What do I say to my friend who’s son has fetal alcohol syndrome?

27/03/2011 admin 15 comments

So my high school reunion is coming up so I’ve been trying to catch up with some of my old high school friends I saw my old friend (lets call him) “Derek” on my-space and we got to chating online. He sent me pictures of his 3 sons and I sent him pictures of my two boys. The first thing I noticed about his son is that he had Fetal alcohol syndrome, so I have not responded to his email because I just don’t know what to say to him, obviously his exgirlfriend must have drank while she was pregnant, so I asked a mutual friend just now on FB and she said “oh yah I heard Derek’s ex-girlfriend was a big time alcoholic she had to be hospitalized for alchol poisoning twice when she was pregnant.” now I just don’t know what to say to him. Do I acknowledge that he has FAS and ask about it, or do i wait for him to bring it up? when he does bring it up how do I handle it, I mean I don’t want to get judgmental because honestly I don’t know how he could have stayed with her and had 2 more children after the first had FAS
the friend on FB that I asked is also his best friend and godmother to his children not just anyone.

Also I can’t really play dumb because I have a degree in abnormal psychology and biology so I know a thing or two about FAS
I don’t think i’m really getting the answers to my question.

i feel as though i’m just getting a bitch rant I think I should ask again in the morning

QUESTIONS ABOUT SON'S ALCOHOLISM alcohol, fetal, friend, syndrome, who's

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Written by Mrs C about 1 year ago.

It’s none of your business. Don’t mention it unless he brings it up.

They’re not your children.
Written by Ashleigh Melendez about 1 year ago.

Honestly….that is none of your bussiness. He may not be to proud that his ex-girlfriend did that to his child. Dont bring it up….he will probably get mad. Just tell him he has beautiful children. Dont bring up the past (at least his ex being pregnant with his boys). Its not your place to say anything.

You just asked a friend facebook about dereks ex-girlfriend, how do you know thats true….you should listen to EVERYTHING everyone says,you will get false information. If “derek” wants to tell you that his son has FAS then let him bring that up, dont you bring it up….thats just plain rude!

If he brings it up…. just say bless his heart, well his has a wonderful father taking care of him. You think hes adorable, beautiful, handsome what ever you want to say. and tell him sorry to hear about it his sons condition.

Everyone isnt perfect. What if he accidentally got her pregnant all 3 times. You dont know that. Just leave it up to him to tell you, you dont need to get into anyone’s business about their childrens (espically the condition of the child). You hurt the parents feelings (his) when you bring up things like that. I know it would upset me. Even if I was the one that made the mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.
Written by Camille about 1 year ago.

Not wanting to sound rude but it isn’t really and of you business weather he stayed with the girl or not. By the sounds of thing the other 2 boys are ok so obviously it wasn’t really bad to say with her and have more kids. Don’t get me wrong i think its disgusting that someone could drink when they know they are pregnant let alone hospitalise themselves with alcoholpoisoning but again it none of my business who he is with. The second thing is that chances are he knows his boy has FAS so personally i would let him bring it up and then if he does play dumb. Say something like “oh really i read about that once… bla bla bla don’t make a big thing of it. It probably isn’t easy for him.
Written by b'elanna torres about 1 year ago.

wow that sucks just be there for him if he needs to talk
Written by Calpurnia YR about 1 year ago.

I’m sorry to hear that about your friend. I think that is a valid question, who would stay with a mother who did that. do you know why they have broken up?

I think you should let him tell you about it and once he does just ask him about it. Ask him why he would stay with her.

I do not think you are out of line about it, I think you are good for caring about little children. In my home country she would have been sent to the hospital and stayed there until the baby was born and then she would have been sent to jail. I never understand Americans, I have lived here for 3 years now and every time I read something about child abuse or something like this matter it’s always preventable with intervention.
Written by I'm Scott PE about 1 year ago.

She should be strung up on a tree….

I hate people that hurt children it’s disgusting she should be in jail and so should your friend. It’s called failer to protect and he should have put a stop to it the first time he saw a drink in her pregnant hand. If I were you I would bluntly ask him why he allowed that to happen
Written by Al Swearengen about 1 year ago.

I can giver her a job at the Gem it seems that might be the only place for a skank like her.

I suggest you don’t say anything to him about it at all until he mentions it. when he mentions it you might want to go in a little easy on aksing him about why he stayed with her and all that remember matters of the heart can be odd sometimes. Are the other children okay? Did she ever stop drinking who has custody of them now? those are all things you should consider before you get judgmental. Also remember only one drink can give a child FAS so maybe she had a cocktail because she didn’t know any better, however that would not explain the alcohol poisoning.
Written by hazelle about 1 year ago.

Maybe the child is adopted and your FB source was lying. Stay out of it
Written by Jolly Roger about 1 year ago.

I would wait for him to bring it up. That is just so disgusting but he may be extremely sensitive to comment on it. He may already know that he is an idiot for making two more children with her and risking their health as well. He may know that people think he should have done more to prevent her from drinking. He may not care at all…who knows?

If he brings it up just make neutral comments. I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first person to express disgust and he probably won’t want to talk about it because of that.
Written by Helen W. about 1 year ago.

Don’t mention it unless he does. And then, if he does, your best bet is (as you’ve accurately stated) not to be judgmental but rather, interested in his life and in the child’s well-being. People like to talk about their children….even ones who aren’t “perfect”.
Written by seven about 1 year ago.

just because you can recognize it, doesnt mean you have to say anything. if he brings it up, yeah, a ‘i hope she’s clean now’ might be appropriate.
Written by Bozz Mozz about 1 year ago.

I might wait wait for him to bring it up. Especially if he might get defensive about it or is in denial. It will cause him to put you off and then you can’t help. If he mentions his family, or his son, or even FAS, you could mention that you have a degree in psychology – it may be an opportunity for him to ask you for help, be it advice on raising his child, or help for the child’s mother. The child’s mother has a real problem. Nobody poisons a child unless they’re mentally incapacitated or helplessly addicted. If you feel so compelled, you could make the first move and say “Derek, I could probably help. Please call me if you want to talk.”

Don’t listen to people who say it’s none of your business. We have no way of knowing if this person is sober, or planning to have more children. Rescuing a child from danger is everybody’s business.
Written by ~Tex~ falling away from me about 1 year ago.

I completely and fully agree with Mozz.
Written by politically correct about 1 year ago.

Don’t bring it up. You’re in the process of catching up; this is an intensely personal issue and he may not be ready to discuss it. I’m sure he knows, as any doctor would recognize FAS, and if it’s so obvious from photos, I’m sure he was symptomatic as a baby and required treatment. It’s not like the doctors would keep his condition and treatment a secret from the father of the baby. Along that line, there are many syndromes that can look like FAS, but are something else entirely. This is less likely given the story from teh Godmother (who has no business spreading that info aroudn either).

Don’t be so quick to judge the mother of the baby. Maybe she didn’t know she was pregnant? Maybe she was so depressed (and or suicidal) that she was self-treating with alcohol? Maybe she was so addicted at the time that she had to hit rock bottom before she realized how badly she was hurting her baby (not ideal, but this is life)? The fact that her next 2 kids do NOT have FAS show that she learned her lesson. Maybe she’s in recovery. There’s lots of possible angles here.

You don’t have all the facts. You have assumptions. There are many reasons people stay together. No one’s perfect. Once damage is done, it can’t be undone. He’s apparently picked up the pieces as best as he can. There’s no room here for you to give him unsolicited advice, as well-intentioned as you may be.
Written by elaeblue about 1 year ago.

Look dont bring it up. If he talks about it then of course you can as well. He knows your profession and that you probably know about his son but you dont have to bring it into conversation. It is acceptable of course to ask how the children are etc. and this may give you more information.

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What do I say to my friend who’s son has fetal alcohol syndrome?

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