I really want to send my son (and possibly daughter too) a message this time in a song. He has trouble listening otherwise (ADHD, etc.). My Mom has had legal guardianship over him since he was 3 years old. I have two mental challenges and their father
was an alcoholic. The two of use fought almost 24/7 and we lost them.
Long story short: I was invited to go to Santa Cruz with my family with my Mom, my sister, her boyfriend, their new baby, my sister’s daughter, my 16 year old son, my 15 year old daughter, and a friend of theirs (male).
Well, I didn’t have enough money to pay for my room and it ended up being a disaster. I told my son I was going to cash a check at home – and would be back in a couple of hours – but didn’t actually get back until late that night. My boyfriend – who I’ve been with for the past 2 years is passive aggressive and drinks and he made things very hard on me and started playing a lot of head games with me and was picking fights. All the while I was fighting to find the check (which never to this day showed up but his Mom had been calling frantically saying his aunt who is 97 yrs old and apparently as sharp as a tack, and she had been calling daily – saying to call
back and let her know if we received this check). So since we were all the way up in Santa Cruz with no way of paying for the room – I decided to jam home quickly and pick up this check – which must have had significant value with all the hysterics his Mother was making – leaving messages on the phone for days, and cash it and come back to the motel to pay them and finish having a nice vacation with my family and kids. Well, no check
ever arrived, my boyfriend kept drinking, I was worried sick because of my promise to my kids – who were with my Mom and sister – who just got a huge insurance settlement and were able to go on vacation because of it and never offered to help me at all. I was embarrased to ask for help. I don’t think I’ve ever received financial help from them ever. I’ve always been the one to bring everyone laptop computers, clothes, buy everyone dinners, etc., through the years. I felt really awkward and didn’t really understand the significance behind this
vacation. I had a previous husband pass away from cancer
who was an extremely kind and caring man who actually raised my self esteem and helped me in life. But living with this passive aggressive person feels as if he’s breaking me down every minute of every day emotionally – and I can’t figure out if it’s me still. It’s very weird and hard to explain. It’s like I’m going crazy. Is this possible? I can hear the cries of people who love me (sort of) in the background and I think my son may
have sent me this song… but I’m not sure if it was intended for me, and I’m too beaten down and emotionally traumatized to ask him, although I wouldn’t get a straight answer. I’m not just traumatized from my boyfriend though.
I have always felt emotionally abused for many many years from others (not mentioning names and not excluding family members) too and then in 2006, the death of my husband who I felt was respectful and kind – caused me to lose major self esteem, and my Mother and sister never (at least not in front of me) encouraged my kids to be nice to me and my kids always gave me the cold shoulder and literally have not talked with or to me for maybe 10 years or more – no matter what I’ve done or given, or no matter how much I’ve been there, etc.
Now, after all these years, I feel like I’m finally breaking – and it feels like now maybe they’re needing me more or something (I’m not sure, it’s weird)… and at a time when I’m my weakest… and I almost feel as if I’m dying. I want most of all for them to be taken care of course and for the ability to take care of them, but I think I also would really like them to at least know how much I was there and for them to know they’ve been brainwashed. I’ll probably get blasted for writing this – someone will find it somehow and I’ll be the outcast for another 6 months or a year.
I want their forgiveness and to enjoy the (ANY) time I am now able to spend with them, and to stop thinking I’m this great big enemy that’s out to destroy them or something. It’s always been like I’m this monster (this is the way I think I was described).
Anyway, I have a quote on my wall that says, “Dear God, when they accuse me falsely, help them see the innocence in me. And when I judge, Lord, help me see the innocence in them. Amen.” This is the song my son published last night… “Kanye West – Heartless.” and I have this Mother’s intuition still inside me that it was intended for me, so just in case it was meant for me, can anyone help me find a song in reply about – a Misunderstanding and Love for my son and/or son and daughter?
#1 – I have emailed them about 7 times. #2 – I’m not only not coming around because of my boyfriend. I’m also not coming around because it’s so miserable getting the cold shoulder from them every time I’m around, being told what to do, when to leave, how to behave, that I’m not “listening”, and being judged the entire time. I get lectured and harrassed the entire time I’m there and its not peaceful to say the least. I hate my boyfriend and I’m trying to find a way out. Its easier said than done. He’s scary and he’s actually put me in jail when I didn’t do anything, he’s so abusive. He was afraid, so he called the police before I did and put me in a position that made me look like I was the perpertrator. He’s scary, covert, full of repressed anger, has no conscience, and I’d be afraid of something happening to me or my kids if I just up and left, and he’d destroy my things (I practically have nothing left from all the things he’s already destroyed from either drinking or anger).
