Should my step son see his biological mom?

21/09/2011 admin 10 comments

I have a seven year old son (stepson) who I love very much and have always looked at him as my own. To me, he’s my son and will always be. My husband and I have a four year old daugter together and honestly if you asked me to choose one I never could. I’ve been in his life since the baby days and my husband and I have full custody. He’s my little man. We have been open about the fact that I am not his biological mom since early on and he seems to understand. The biological mom never wanted him. She made it clear that she had no interest in being involved. She’s really gotten herself in a huge mess, drugs and alcohol and so many young children that she has no rights to! I’ve tried to get her to care for her children and it never works. I do not understand how she cannot love her own son, he is an amazing, loving child. I really wish she could offer him some love, I wish she could offer all her children out there some mothering. However, it’s her choice and she’s missing out. I have no hate for her, she did bless me with being able to love and be loved back by this little boy. And he means the world to me, just as equally as my daughter.

Now, the biological mom is sick. On her last days (due to heavy smoking). She has never seen my son (her son), when he was born she refused to hold him. Part of me wants my son to go see her because it’s important to see and accept your lines of family. I want him to at least know who his biological mother is (even if its just the outer layer). He’s only seven and I don’t want him to ever think in the future I took away his mother’s spot and never gave him the opportunity to know her. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to let him see her or not. Will it scare him? She’s not the best person and I’m scared she’ll be rude to him. My husband isn’t too comfortable with the idea. I just think this will be her only chance, she should allow her own blood-child to see her. I just want my little guy to be safe and loved as much as possible.

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT biological, should, step

Comments

Written by Minty Me about 8 months ago.

I don’t think it’s necessary to bring a 7 year old boy to see someone die. I think you’d be cruel to force him to visit a dying woman he doesn’t even know. His mother was a messed up drug addict who abandoned him– why is that important for him to know?

I think you might have some issues about parenting to get help with for even considering this. You’re really misguided.
Written by hebb about 8 months ago.

You seem to have all the best intentions (but also strong opinions) for your son and you said he seems to understand.
But what does he want? And if you are not sure, have you considered letting him speak with a neutral third party to get a more unbiased opinion?
Written by lexi c about 8 months ago.

You are so caring, and it puts a smile to my face how much love u have as a mother. (Comparing to my own person experience) and its refreshing to know there are still good and understanding ppl out there like yourself.

I think that ur son should see his biological mom, even if she never wanted him. There is a possibility that ur little one will be scared. If u do decide to go, if she begins to be rude then just leave. Everyone has that rite to see their real parents. I think he should see her before its too late.
Written by MassageGoddess about 8 months ago.

Of course… she didnt want to hold them. In adoption cases they severely requirement allowing the birth mother to hold the child.
Being adopted and knowing several who have in several different aspects it would be best to let him decide. Encourage him.
I know with my case I was greatful after meeting ‘her’ to my own mother cuz if I wasnt adopted I would not be alive. Drugs alcohol blah blah, even tho she got her life together.
Dont be scared if shes rude or hurts him, just be there, be there for him. Be strong. I watch my friends mother so insecure about his B.M. and Im so greatful for mine that always secure as a mother and as a woman knowing she did the best and is the best for me.
Let him see her. Don’t let him resent you or his father in the future. There maybe some either way, yet just be patient empathetic and not take it too harsh… when he’s older brace yourself for the ultimate… you’re not my mother.
What really touched a dear friend of mine was his mother told him was this….if all the kids in the world were on a stage I would still and always pick you. This is something she implies in every card or special occasion. Let him know ‘you’ chose him and his father, that he made you fall in love with his father even more because of the love you had for him. Your smart. Go with your heart. Don’t hold him too close, we tend to suffocate….
Good luck Mama’s…..
Written by Ky about 8 months ago.

Take it from a kid–I have a step mom that I love very much and I do not have a lot to do with my real mom. She isn’t sick, smoking or on drugs, but I guess we never did just really LIKE each other. Though it is nice to see her once and a while. Just ask your stepson if he wants to see his real mother and if he says sure then take him. If she is being rude just take him out. I am 13 and this is what I would want my stepmom to do. But there is quite an age difference, and I hope this helped. Don’t think that she is taking her last breath soon, my grandma was in the hospital 3 times for smoking and she is still alive.
Written by Mr Warrior about 8 months ago.

Its a case of your dammed if you do, and your dammed if you dont.

If you choose not too. When he grows up, he can resent you for, not letting him see his bio mums final days. Despite the years of caring for him you did in his childhood. That one single moment in missing his bio mums last days, can negate everything you have done for him as a child.

If you choose to let him see her. His little 7 year old mind, struggles to understand the weight of everything. And when she dies, your left with a little 7 year old mind to repair.
In which case, to repair it, you might have to do a small memorial , once a year, just you and him dedicated to his mother on the anniversary of her death.
This memorial is not for you. Because you know she is a “loser” . Its more for him and his growth and development, so that he does not dwell on it too much. And his mind is not conflicted all the time.
Written by DR + Mrs Bears face about 8 months ago.

Has your son ever expressed any curiosity about his mother? Has he ever said he would like to meet her?
An older child may feel these emotions and be able to decide for himself.
At 7 if he has never shown any interest in his past I would leave his safe world as it is and not introduce him to this woman. If he feels secure then he may be confused as to who she is and why you are taking him to see her. He may even fear that he will be left with her.
Do not allow sentiment to cloud yourjudgmentt. Ideas that she should allow her child to see her are not relevant. People do not always do what they should. If she had done what she should she wouldn’t be on drugs and would have brought her son up herself.She has made it clear over 7 years that she isn’t interested in the boy and he is the only one who should be considered.
Written by reball46 about 8 months ago.

No, he doesn’t need to see her. Maybe you and the hubby could visit her and video tape the meeting. then when he is older let him see it. maybe she could talk about her life on the tape.
Written by Hannah Moble about 8 months ago.

You’re an awesome person.
I think that it wouldn’t be right for you to take him to see his real Mom because she is dying, and is sick and it will probably scare him. I’m a middle-schooler and I am scared to think about seeing a person die. Plus, she is inot drugs nad you don’t want her to influence your child, right?
Written by beenthere about 8 months ago.

I don’t think it is a good idea. He is too young and there is no relationship other than blood there so it may be too stressful for him. Is there a counselor at your stepson’s school you can talk to about this? I would also consult with the hospice she is or will be utilizing. They may have an opinion on it. I would also have them do the arrangements for the visitation so it the least traumatic for the boy.

You are a good woman. Even when she is on her death bed you want to give her one more chance. But you have to be a protective lioness and guard your cub from harm. This might be too much for a 7 year old.

You can always make a photo book that she can look at. You can copy colored photos at Staples with color xeroxes. And you can supply him with a photo of his biological mother.

But death by lung disease is devastating on the body and you might not want to expose a 7 year old to it especially someone who is in essence a stranger. And remember the women was an addict so you don’t know what she may say to the boy.

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

Should my step son see his biological mom?

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