Should I talk to my son before or after?

13/01/2011 admin 12 comments

I am very unhappy in my marriage rite now. My husband is an active alcoholic. And is not the same person he use to be at all. My son is 17 and he knows how his Dad is and also gets very mad and aggravated about it.
I am really thinking of telling my husband that i am done with this type of marriage. If i do that then my son and I will have to move and our whole worlds are going to change. So I feel that it is only fair I ask my son about his feelings on this matter as well. So should I tell my son what i plan to do before I talk to my husband or wait till after? I have thought about this so many times and I always back down and stay and nothing changes. I am hoping to dig in this time and just do this. And the only way to say i am staying is if he goes to AA. Or rehab. But Its such a huge step after being married since the age of 19 and being married for 22 yrs. I am so confused about all of this. And I just want what is best for my son. Yes I know I should have left sooner but Things didn’t get this bad until the past year. I am guessing that my husband is now in stage 3 of alcoholism.
I know this is long and winded and not punctuated rite but I am at a public place and we only have so much time. so please don’t reply about that. thanks in advance for the help.
***bronze there is such a thing as stages of alcoholism look it up at each stage they behave differently and it effects there lives and lives of others diffferently.
And as for Al anon I did go and for me it did not help it seemed like all they wanted to tell me is that it is a disease ( i do believe that) and that i am not responsible for his actions but that i should try to stay because he cant help it.

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT after, before, should, talk

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Written by Disco Stu - The $5 Footlong about 1 year ago.

He’s a minor and your son. You can and should talk about how he feels, but when it comes to decisions, you TELL him how it’s going to be.
Written by Happy-2 about 1 year ago.

Before making any decisions, you need to start going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a support group for relatives of alcoholics. You’ll learn a lot there, and get support and advice that is more solid than you may be able to get here.

That said, do not involve your son in your decision. Doing so would make him feel responsible either for your misery or for his parents breaking up. This is a decision for an adult to make on her own. Ask yourself what is best for your son, and do it.
Written by bronzebabekentucky about 1 year ago.

What is “stage 3″ of alcoholism? There is no such thing.
Leave.
He isn’t willing to stop, and giving him the “go to rehab or AA or I’ll leave” ultimatum will not get him help. He has to WANT to stop, and it doesn’t sound like he does.
Let your Son know what is going on before you leave.
Then, you and your son need some intense counseling. You’ll be lucky if your son doesn’t start exhibiting signs of depression, and turn to alcohol.
Written by Nicky about 1 year ago.

Talk to your husband first. Your son should be apprised of the situation only if you are separating or divorcing. Your marriage shouldn’t be discussed with him, he’s your child not your husband. He’s 17, he’s in his last year of school and will be moving on with his own life soon enough. Do your best to reassure him that you’ll do your best to keep his life stable (staying where you live and finishing @ his HS) but, this decision is yours, not his and it shouldn’t be put on his shoulders to help you make it.
Written by Joe D about 1 year ago.

tell your son first! i am 16 and my between both of my parents i have been through 4 divorces my mom two and my dad two. and my mom didnt tell me till it was too late and it was the worst thing ever. i really advise getting your sons opion. it may not change the way u feel about your husband. but still it would be better for both of you
Written by Kaptain Obvious about 1 year ago.

This probably isn’t a decision for your son to make. I would think that it would be best to tell him after you have made your decision. You can certainly discuss your situation before the decision. But, don’t make him bear the burden of this decision or feel like you have to live with someone else’s decision instead of your own. You can certainly involve your son in future decisions should you decide to leave. Good luck.
Written by oddbutterfly1 about 1 year ago.

Staying with an alcoholic husband is not good for you or your son. He knows what is going on and you do need to speak to him about your future plans. Your husband can only fix himself by himself. You and your son need to have a more secure and happy life. You said that you have planned this a number of times, but you seriously need to do what is best for all of you.. Your son should know that he can not help his dad, and is not responsible to take care of him either.
Written by Orla C about 1 year ago.

Your son will probably be DELIGHTED that you are finally taking the first step to get your life back. I think you should tell your son, and then your husband.

Best of luck with it, dear.
Written by ♫ Mad Luv ♫ about 1 year ago.

If you want the best for your son and he tells you not to leave his dad then what?
I personally think you should do what you need to do then tell your son how it is.
Written by Plasmo about 1 year ago.

Of all the answers I´ve already seen i think only one gets it right in my opinion. Bear in mind i´m 20 years old and im talking from a perspective of being brought up without a dad. It hurts, it feels like you´re incomplete. Sometimes you wish you had a male model to look up to but there´s none to look up to.

Get help for HIM. If you´ve loved him for that long then that means that even if you want to leave him, you still love him, and that you want your family to stay together. Talk to him about it, tell him as best as you can to get help and fix his drinking problem.

If nothing can be done, in my opinion, tell your son before, so that it´s not a shock to him, but try not to make him feel likke he was the one who made the decision.

good luck
Written by Tim about 1 year ago.

You should tell your son after you have made the decision. You should not put him in the position of being a marriage or personal counselor to you. Let him be a kid – he shouldn’t be your confidant or your shoulder to cry on. Think of it this way – if he “helps” you decide to leave your husband – how will that mess with his head later on, when he see’s how hard it is for a broken family to move on. He will have “helped” you bring this massive change into your life. Your the Parent – the responsibility and the decision is yours alone.

I understand that it’s tough (or nearly impossible) to live with an alcoholic – Al-anon might help you. You will find other people in your community that can assist you with this.

Good Luck
Written by kim h about 1 year ago.

I think that you should tell your husband first or your son will be put in the middle.

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