Should I really “butt out”?

25/10/2010 admin 18 comments

I have been married to a wonderful lady with a charming 9 year old daughter for going on 3 years now. Her daughter doesn’t necessarily have a father because he’s serving a life sentence on a laundry list of drug trafficking felonies.

For 3 years afterwards, her mother dated a lowlife scumsucking worm that would beat her right in front of her daughter, AND would beat her daughter as well. In one extreme case when she was packing to leave, he walked around twirling a gun saying, “Guess I’ll be going to prison soon.” Afterwards, she met me, and finally had the courage to leave. Now for a year after she left, we didn’t hear from him, but now for the past two years, he consistently contacts our stepdaughter with text messages saying how much he misses her, or leaves gifts at outside our door for her….always signing his name as “Daddy” (that ***REALLY*** pisses me off!) and inviting her to go parties or whatever. Appallingly enough, my wife buys this bribery hook, line, and sinker, and allows this to continue, saying, “Maybe he’s a changed man…people do change” (That rationale is exactly why she stayed 3 years with his abuse)

Now he’s asking to take her and my wife on a shopping trip with his son, and my wife is agreeing. Personally, I’m livid because I hate women abusers worse than the KKK hates blacks, and I see this as nothing more than manipulation to slowly work his way back into my wife’s life. Most of all–that child doesn’t need maggots like that in her life! My wife says it has nothing to do with me, and that he’s not hurting anyone. What is your stance, and what should I do about this?
Shawna: Check the first paragraph again. The ex ISN’T the girl’s father. Her real father is in prison

DRUG REHABILITATION butt, really, should

Comments

Written by Queen of Beer about 2 years ago.

Put your foot down and forbid it! Maybe he’s planning to take them away and murder them!!!
Written by Take it or leave it! about 2 years ago.

Your wife has no respect for you or your marriage. She doesn’t need to attend the shopping trip her daughter does.
Written by JustBecause about 2 years ago.

Not only NO but HELL NO….. Dude put your foot down on this one…. She needs to make a choice here between her husband and her abusive EX… You let this continue and she is going to leave with this douche bag.
Written by Lori L about 2 years ago.

if she is insistant on going to meet him, well, really there is nothing you can do, but maybe follow in your car and peek sround the corners to make sure of their safety. Although if you get caught, it is on you…. i don’t understand you wife wanting to go hang out with someone who has abused her and her child, but that’s just me. and i would be pizzed too.
Written by stephanie_6234 about 2 years ago.

she really shouldnt be acting like they are buddy buddy…if he wants to spend time with his daughter thats one thing, but she, your wife, shouldnt be involved with that or anything having to do with him….her being with him has EVERYTHING to do with you, you ARE her husband…he is an EX!!!

I think you should put your foot down about this one….he can have access to his daughter, but not the wife….and I want to mention, your wife is a victim and she could very well still have a victims mentality about this (thus the “maybe he has changed excuse)….so dont be mean about it, just be firm, she needs to understand that violent men dont stop being violent “just because”….so the likelyhood of him changing is little to none.
Written by highnlow about 2 years ago.

YOU were a FOOL for marrying a woman like her! She STILL LOVES HIM! She’s using the kid as a way to get near him again! WHY is it you guys always want to RESCUE some idiot woman like her? Then you’re ALWAYS sorry later!!! He HAS NO BUSINESS around this child, he’s not even her FATHER! YOU are being PLAYED dude!! She wants HIM again and if I were you….I’d let her have him and MOVE ON! STOP trying to RESCUE DUMB WOMEN!!!
Written by Shawna about 2 years ago.

There would be no way in hell i would allow the children anywhere near him. She is an adult and will make her own decisions. Since it is her ex and her daughters father, tell her they can go, but your child is not going anywhere near this person. This is wrong in every sense of the word. I would not allow this. Pick and choose your battles, but this would be a battle in my book.
Written by Muse Me about 2 years ago.

I am in complete agreement with you. Confusing an “already traumatized” child again… just to wind up being hurt again is crazy. Your wife should cut off all contact with this man, and get a restraining order if he continues to manipulate her. Your wife could use some counseling herself, and yes, this does concern you very much. You are the only stable father figure this child has ever known. I find it hard to believe that she would allow that man to see her daughter again, much less go shopping with him. For her to go “alone” with him and the daughter is disrespectful to you. She is wrong in every concept of this problem. Stand your ground. YOU are that child’s father now, and do not allow her to go shopping with him. If she does, you have another problem ……..
Written by Tamara about 2 years ago.

Honestly, shes dumb for telling you that and she even more dumb to still be in contact with that man.

Wait a minute…that man who abused her and her daughter isn’t the girls father? You are the step father so i think you should put your foot down if he isn’t the child’s father.

I think hes trying to get back into their lives so he can abuse them worst, but your wife is a very stupid women, if she goes with that man, tell her that it’s a form of cheating and she need to choose who she want to be with.

Your a good man, you don’t need a dumb women in your life, it sucks you care about this women so much, you need to get someone that has actual brains.
Written by hot lips about 2 years ago.

Make sure she take her stuff with her and tell her not to return. She’s allowing this man in your lives to mess things up. Maybe she’s longing for a beating from him.
Written by Rock, Paper, Scissors about 2 years ago.

Well, she’s 100% wrong in going anywhere with him because they are no longer together, this is your wife, not his. She is really dumb and also disrespectful to you by agreeing to let this guy take her shopping, whether he’s scum or not. I think your wife doesn’t seem to learn and you can’t blame that guy for using her. She obviously allows it. Hearing about his track record I’m surprised she’s even allowing him to come around. The whole thing sounds like an awful situation to be in. To be honest with you, i would question your wife’s integrity at this point. She’s made all these crazy claims about this guy but she’s quick to hop in the car with him when it comes to a little cash spending. Where are her morals and self respect? In a marriage both people should respect one another’s feelings and right now she’s not respecting yours. She’s actually defending this guy, whose side is she really on? The worse part about this is that you seem to be more concerened with the daughter than she is. If she’s willing to expose her child to that loser again because he’s offered to take them shopping, she’s really teaching that kid all the wrong things. I hate to say this but I think she still has feelings for the jerk.
Written by Stacie T about 2 years ago.

You should absolutely put your foot down. Call the phone company and have them block his texts to your stepdaughter.

I would be very worried that he could be a sexual predator. Isn’t your daughter fearful of him?
Make sure you intercept those gifts. He is starting to try to mess with her head.

You should do whatever you can to stop this nonsense. I can’t even fathom a situation where this shopping trip is kosher. Something is up for sure.

If she still insists on going, no matter what you say, go along. I know you hate the guy, but make your presence known. Do not back down. Doesn’t mean you have to start a fight, but hey, once he knows you will be there, maybe he’ll forget it.
Written by misslady88 about 2 years ago.

What your wife is doing is garbage. I can’t believe she is going to allow this man back in her and her child’s life. She should respect that you all are a family. She should not be going on a “shopping trip” with this man or having any communication with him.

I would let her know her behavior is unacceptable. I would give her an ultimatum. Either me or him and his abuse. You get her out of this situation and she is letting him buy and manipulate her back into it. I see you getting hurt in the near future.
Written by Shooap about 2 years ago.

does a leopard have the pleasure of changing its spots when it wants.. NO
answer is NO you shouldn’t butt out, she has no right to even be talkin to this man anymore, what?! is the woman stupid or blind.. probably both..
he throw up a gun in her face and yet he’s a changed man.. slap the 3itch and give an ultimatum if ya have to.. either cut all ties cause it’s not like they have any anways or see what she has in front of her and give you some respect.. not only did you rescue her but she already committed to you in the holy matrimony of marriage ..

yes i hate woman abusers but i hate stupid women even more!
Written by r m about 2 years ago.

sorry hun – i’m with highnlow on this one. you are being used. do some research on abused women. the sick thing is there ARE women who are actually attracted to this lifestyle and can’t live without it. i forget how many women and children i have even hidden, who go right back to black eyes and broken bones like a moth to a light bulb.

do soem research on the net about this abuse phenomenon – its twisted – its sick – but its reality for too many women. what a pity a child has to suffer for this too.

sue he’s not the kids dad, but neither are you. if your wife insists on going to him, you cannot stop her. this is where you put your foot down – she chooses, and when she does, if she leaves with him, there’s no coming back to you. how much longer do you want to live with this cr@p?
Written by Julie R about 2 years ago.

I would forbid her to have anything to do with him. This guy HAS NOT changed and there is nothing he can buy her that would ever make it worth it.

You need to have an unemotional talk (if possible) about what she truly wants out of this situation. I know you are angry, but try to really connect with her. Ask her to think about what this shopping trip would mean to him, get inside his head, etc. Don’t let her fall back into her victim-thinking.

If possible, I think you need some counseling with her (mostly for her) to deal with this. Sounds like she needs a professional. Man. Maybe you picked somebody who really wants to be in the dirt.
Written by Teri about 2 years ago.

Please talk to your wife and even a therapist to help her to see what is going on. Her abusive ex is just trying to manipulate her in any way possible. Abusive people are very good at this. He is even using her daughter in the process. Trust me, he has not changed. He will try any scheme or lie he can think of to get her and her daughter back in his grip. His intentions are not good at all. I have personally been through this with two different relationships. If he gets her back, it will only be worse and much harder for her to escape. Your wife and whole family can benefit from therapy, it can make a huge difference as long as you are open and honest. For her sake and for the sake of your innocent stepdaughter, please stand up for your family. You could very well be saving their lives. Or at least from a life of utter hell with a controlling, manipulative, abusive man. GOOD LUCK!
Written by bandaid_46 about 2 years ago.

This woman seems drawn to bad men. In her world down is up, up is down, and everything is great until it isn’t. I suspect that you’re right; this worm is working his way back into your wife’s life right under your nose, and is enjoying every moment of it.

I hate to say it, because I think you love your wife and stepdaughter, but you can’t save her from herself. She likes what she likes and what she likes are “maggots” like her ex. Save yourself. There is nothing you can do for her if she doesn’t want help.

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Should I really “butt out”?

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