Serious Family question?

02/09/2011 admin 21 comments

My father and brother live together. They are both alcoholics and when they drink they fight. They are having thanksgiving dinner at their house along with my uncle and cousin who are also violent (they have all gotten into a bad fight with EACHOTHER just this week) and my aunt who is also a drunk. My husband and I have a son who is not even 2. and I don’t think he needs to be around all that.
There is no way to judge when the best time to go is because they are eating at 2 and they start drinking as soon as they wake up so by 2 the fighting will have already begun. How can I tell them we won’t be there without hurting feelings or causing an arguement?
We will be with my mom’s side of the family which is a sore spot for them anyway.
I have asked them not to dink when my son is around and they sneak it anyway.
my dad used to just blow us off as kids. say he was going to be there and then just not show up, and although it is tempting to do the same thing to him, I want to be the bigger person, I remember how disappointing that was.
they have all been in jail and rehab several times. none of them think they have a problem. If they don’t WANT help I CAN’T help them! After 20 years of this behavior I don’t owe them anything. I do love them and I don’t want to hurt their feelings but am willing to risk that not to have my son see the same things I saw as a child——This is for Shell!

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT family, question, serious

Comments

Written by jenivive about 9 months ago.

tell them u will be with ur husbands family, with friends or just tell them the truth
Written by teel2624 about 9 months ago.

Though I don’t really think lying is a great thing, you can always tell them your son is sick and running a fever or that you or your husband has a stomach virus.

Good luck dealing with your family, though. You won’t be able to lie to them for your son’s entire life to keep away from them. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place!
Written by QuackJak about 9 months ago.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to tell people you don’t want to be around them when they’re drunk.

The best way to handle this is to simply tell them you’re going to have Thanksgiving at your own home this year (and then do so) or make plans to spend it with others.

If they wonder why you’re not coming, tell them you’ll speak to them about that after Thanksgiving.
Written by Jon O about 9 months ago.

Don’t worry about hurting feelings or causing an argument. Did they care about your feelings as you watched them fighting in horror? No. Just tell them the cold hard truth. Don’t expose that child to idiots.
Written by mesmerized about 9 months ago.

OR…
Why not just not turn up on the day,
Send a quick phone -call with an emergency excuse.
You are entitled to keep your baby safe.
M : I

You can not have a reasoned discussion with addicts
And the holidays is not the time for an intervention
You shouldn’t have to try and sort it out for them,just don’t go.
Written by shortyetawesome about 9 months ago.

you need to call them and tell them you wont be there because you dont feel good about exposing your kid to that stuff. if he would rather drink than see his grandson then he needs help.
Written by marionsandrachapman about 9 months ago.

i know its a important time of the year for family and you wish to visit them ,i personally woould go at around 11 in the morning as they would just be getting up, swap presents and stay for half hour then leave ,least that way they are sober and your child wont see the drinking and argueing, good luck
Written by Jean D about 9 months ago.

I wouldn’t bother to tell them, if they are as bad as you make them sound, they will be so drunk they won’t even notice that you weren’t there. Or just call them and tell them the plain truth, just like you stated it here, you don’t want your child exposed to that type of behavior and do not feel comfortable having him around them when they are drinking and fighting. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it is always the best option. Perhaps this is something they need to hear and consider, for their grandson/nephews sake.
Written by Kris Rose about 9 months ago.

that ya’ll would like to go but ya’ll dont want your son to see anyone fighting…..Good Luck
Written by Tina L about 9 months ago.

Does your husbands family have a Thanksgiving dinner? If they do, I would just tell my family that we had all ready made plans to go to that dinner.
Written by A.K.A. (angela knows all) about 9 months ago.

i would suggest that you tell them that your family having dinner at your home. let them know that although you enjoy their company, you would like to start a family tradition for your family. My family has people who don’t get along too and so we go to a nice resurant that does a thanksgiving buffet type dinner, that why people have to behave (at least some what!!!) i wish you all the luck, and Happy Turkey day.
p.s. this is only the first of holidays this season you may want to plan ahead for the rest of those family days!
Written by coco about 9 months ago.

I think you are right in try to protect your kid;however i believed
family is family regardless of their defects and you would be teaching your kid something a lot more important you don’t turn you back in family because of their defects.i would go early in the morning and apologized for living but a least you took the time to see them which in the holidays is very important.

good luck
Written by will's girl about 9 months ago.

yO THAT IS CRAZY, BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO ASK URSELF DA QUESTION DO U WANT YOUR CHILD SEEING THAT, NO.
I SUGGEST THAT U TALK TO THEM AND SAY IM NOT TRYING TO BE A BAD PERSON BUTI I SERIOUSLY DONT WANT MY CHILD O2 BE AROUND ALL THIS HOSTILITY AND VIOLENCE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SURLEY THEY WILL UNDERSTAND
Written by wherenai about 9 months ago.

It’s hard to say anything when it comes to family… If this is such a concern for you then you should just put your foot down and lay the law! Be honest with them as to why you don’t want to come around. Your son is much more important, and why expose him to such behavior? It is time for you to make tough decisions, and don’t waste any time. Let them know that the fighting is not something you want your son exposed to, and as for the drinking..let them know that that is unacceptable as well! You don’t want to be teaching your son that drinking, and brawling is acceptable behavior. If it hurts their feelings then so be it. As I have learned in aa. don’t enable and sugar coat things for alcoholics, it just gives them the okay to continue down this destructive road. If this leads to you not seeing your family.. then make those hard choices.. afterall, do you want your son t grow up and become like them? Scary thought isn’t it:(
Written by WhyWhyWhy about 9 months ago.

Just don’t go. No explanation needed.
Written by NICOLA G about 9 months ago.

you could tell them that this year you are having thanks giving with your husbands family and you cant get out of it. or you could say that you are staying at home as a family. or you could have them around your house that way you can keep an eye on the alcahol.i dont think you or your little one need to b around that atmoshere its no fun.
Written by Shells about 9 months ago.

i think that u need to tell them the truth and who cares about hurting eachothers feelings, u have a chuld that is ur FULL RESPONSIBILTY!! if that child gets hurt because of your famioy it is completely your fault, and if you really cared about their feelings nd life you would get them in rehab to help them.. that is wat real family does, HELP THEM, not lie to them just to avoid the problem for a day. they need some serious help and u need to confront them about there dsngerous behavior instead of trying to avoid them for one day, not seeing thm for one day will not help you, or your family. ifact, it is a lil selfish of u to worry about how to tell them u dont want to come over, when they really need your help
Written by Miz Val about 9 months ago.

Stand up and let it be known that your son and his life is your responsibility. Your job as a parent is to protect your child from the bad things in life the best you can. Until the alkies seek help you have to stay away. If there are hurt feelings too bad. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this behavior is normal and exceptable?If you don’t lay the foundation between right and wrong there are always sickos out there who will take advantage.
Written by NIC about 9 months ago.

You just tell them you won’t be there. I have a 2 year old myself and she comes first, so you shouldn’t feel bad about not going and hurting there feelings because if they had any respect for you then they would not act like that around your child!
Written by Mel about 9 months ago.

What you really need to do is just show some tough love, if you asked them once before not to drink around your son and they choose to sneak it anyway, they blatantly disrespected you, your family and the way that you are raising your son. Tell them that as much as you love them and would like to spend time with them, at this point you’re just not comfortable bringing your son around that behavior, site specific examples such as the fight earlier that week and how they have said in the past that they weren’t going to drink and did so anyway. Apologize and then inform them that in the future, if you are going to spend time together than you’ll plan a dinner or bbq at your house and no alcohol will be present and if they show up drunk that they’ll have to leave and ask them if they’d respect your decision. Wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and hang up the phone. Period, set you boundary and stick with it because you don’t want your son to be exposed to that kind of volatile situation. This way, they know that you still love them and all but they also know that your son is always going to come first.
Written by ib2pikee about 9 months ago.

Hey if you are going to your Mom’s anyway,just stop by and nibble a little.That way you can say you went and then went again.It’s tuff when your family is divided, but I agree with you on the drinking issue.They can do what they want after you’re gone…..Happy Thanksgiving….

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Serious Family question?

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