Serious Adoption Question–married to drug addict?

13/11/2010 admin 14 comments

I am married to a meth addict. In another post, I confidently argued that he had relapsed but ONCE since he and I had been together (a year). Now, it has come to be painfully obvious that he uses every weekend. He is what is known as a “functioning” addict. He still goes to work, is home during the week, but binges on the weekend and I do not see him. This has been going on for the last 6 weeks. Moving on, I have decided that marrying him was a mistake and then becoming pregnant with his child was a mistake. I love my unborn son truly and deeply–he has a nursery set up in our home, and my family already talks about him and is excited to meet him. I now know that I have to divorce my addict husband. He is going to end up either back in prison or with a disease. I also know that I, alone, can not give my son the life he needs to be healthy, happy, and secure. I am 31 weeks pregnant and am wondering how I can begin the process of placing my son with a loving, healthy adoptive family during/before my subsequent divorce. Does my husband have to give consent? Should I divorce him first? What are my options?

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT addict, adoption, drug, Questionmarried, serious

Comments

Written by kidmindi about 2 years ago.

Fist of all, do NOT give your son up. You may not give him all the material things that some rich married couple can, but you can give him something they never could and that is his MOTHER..He needs and loves YOU.

You can be a great single mom. Trust me I have been a single mom. And you may ot always be a single mom. How would you feel if you gave him up and then in a few years met a great guy who would have been a wonder father to him??? It happens. Again, trust me. That is what happened to me. I met a great guy who is a great dad to my kids, even the ones who aren’t his biologicaly.

Also you say your family is excited to meet your son, so I am sure they will be able to help youthru this difficult time ahead. You already have a nursey for him so you are well on your way. Talk to your family, tell them what you have told us and see what they ahve to say. I bet they will not want you to give up your son.

Oh and for the record YES your husband wouldd have to consent to an adoption and in most states you cannot get a divorce while you are pregnant.
Written by just me about 2 years ago.

Just wanted to show my sympathy….. I have a long line of addicts in my family, This is a difficult choice, I want you to know how happy I am to see someone who is completely unselfish! My parents where both addicted to meth and my father actually had a lab my whole life. This is a very sad situation for children, I was ADULTIFIED at a young age and at 37 Im still trying to grow up! I have two beautiful children 8 and 11 who I adore but I have had to learn who to be a good parent never had any to learn from, well my grandmother may she RIP! Just wanted you to know you have my support and I know you are doing the best you know how! No one can judge you in regards to your family members its just there opinions that could hurt! we are always trying to look for the right or wrong answers and we can only answer that for ourselves. Please remember that, don’t ask for opinions you know whats best for you whatever that may be xoxxoxo
Written by icehockeymom7 about 2 years ago.

You don’t have to give your son up just because you are divorcing your husband! In fact, I cannot imagine how you could bear that loss while losing your husband at the same time. Your husband is a drug addict, you are making a very sound decision in divorcing him and choosing a SANE life for yourself. Give your baby the same thing! Your family sounds supportive….they won’t want this little boy to be raised by a meth addict father. Talk to your family, see if they will support you in raising your son. You can do this, you just need support. You don’t have to give your baby away. I commend you for making the brave decision to walk away from a drug addicted life….I made that decision in my first marriage and I am now very happily married to a healthy man and have 4 kids. There will be life for you after this….just keep your son’s welfare at the forefront of your mind. He needs you!
Written by kateiskate about 2 years ago.

You said it yourself, you love your son truly and deeply. So don’t walk out on him like his dad apparently already has by refusing to clean up his act.

You are not the first single mother. Your family sounds as though they would be supportive of you and glad to help you out where they could with their grandchild.

Children do not need material possesions, big houses, nice cars, expensive meals, and other “things” like that in order to thrive. What children need is a mother’s love and who better to provide that to your son than you? An adoptive family may be able to give your child a lot of material things, but they will never be able to give him YOU and your family, people who are important to him. As an adoptee who was raised by a family who was practically poor through most of my childhood, I can tell you that adoption does not necessarily guarantee your son will live a more prosperous life or a better life, just a different one.

Another thing is, since your husband is the father of your child if you divorce him he is legally obligated to provide support for his son. If he does not provide this support, you can take him to court to get the money garnished from his wages.

The reasons you stated are not reasons to surrender your son. They are reasons to buckle down, suck it up, ask for help, and work your butt off to provide the best life YOU can for your son.
Written by B about 2 years ago.

Yes, your husband has to give consent. You are right in wanting to divorce him. I would not give my child up for adoption just because the father won’t be around. Just because you put him with a happy, healthy, well off couple doesn’t mean that is how it will always be. They could divorce, one or both of them could end up abusing drugs or one of them could die. He would then be in the house with drug abusers or with a single parent and you will never know unless he finds you after he turns 18. You should see if you will have support from your family, get on government assistance, do anything you can to keep your child with you if that is what you want. If you are still for adoption then maybe you should look in to someone in your family taking him that way he will still have two parents but you can still be in his life.
Written by cantstopLinnyG about 2 years ago.

I am so sorry you are in this position. Drug addict can ruin the lives of everyone who love them.

Do NOT allow his addiction to ruin you, too. To give your child to a stranger will break your heart. You have already said you love your son, and your family does too. Allow them to help you. This is a temporary problem for you, but adoption is a permanent solution.

I have included some links for you. There are resources available to you to help you do the right thing for you and your baby- which is to love and raise him. I know you are scared, but as others have said, a child does not need things. He needs his real mother.

Stay away from your husband, get a restraining order, then divorce him. Stay strong, girl.

It is scary. But please know that you can do this, and even have your parents to help you. That is awesome!! Your baby does not want to be raised by strangers…only by YOU.

Please do NOT give your child up for adoption. The pain will last an entire lifetime, for you and YOUR BABY.

Please read the facts about adoption and how it will more than likely affect YOUR BABY and YOU. If you decide to continue with your pregnancy, your child deserves to be loved and raised by YOU. Adoption does NOT guarantee a better life, only a different one.

Also, do NOT contact anyone who has asked you to, or who has emailed you already. They are greedy vultures who want to make money off your baby, or want that baby for themselves.

Here are some links that can help you. There is help for you and your son. Also, I have included links as to how adoption will affect you and your baby.

http://www.cubirthparents.org
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVn...
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
Written by MamaKate about 2 years ago.

Dear Piink,

First of all, I am sorry for your situation. It is unfair to you and your child to be put in this position. You NOR your child is at fault here – please, do not punish yourselves for your husband’s mistakes by separating yourself from your child. You love your son and he already loves you too.

I know you feel that you are in an impossible position, but there are some things you must know before you make the PERMANENT decision to place your son for adoption.

First of all, you need to be fully aware of the ramifications of adoption and possible effects to both you and your son – and not just the legal (make sure you know the laws – they are different EVERYWHERE!) or immediate ones either! Adoption is a complex and lifelong journey for everyone involved – not just a one time event. It will effect both of you – as well as extended family and any subsequent children (siblings of your son) for the rest of your lives. Please visit some of the websites that Can’t Stop Linny G. listed for you for some honest information about adoption and its effects that the agencies are likely NOT to give you. Make sure that you are making an INFORMED decision! Be sure that you consider YOUR SON’S possible feelings about your decision when you are deciding what to do.

You should also know that:

Adoption is NOT a “guarantee” of ANYTHING! You have no way of ensuring that healthy adoptive parents will always be healthy! What if…one of them becomes a meth addict in five years?

Whether or not you are married to your husband at the time, he must give his consent (or be proven unfit in a Court of Law) for an adoption to occur.

“Open” Adoption is NOT legally enforceable.

Who says you won’t be better off with just your son? (There is more support available for single MOMS than single WOMEN!)

And how do you know that you won’t meet the RIGHT person by the time your sons is 5? Who’s to say you won’t ever get married again or find a man who WANTS to be a fantastic parent your son AND be with YOU too?

Finally, here is the GOOD NEWS! You wanted to know if you have options. YES. YES. and YES!!!

It sounds as though you have a good support system – USE IT! Tell your family you need their help! They are excited about your child, let them help you with caring for him! Your family, friends, church, etc. are all in your life because they CARE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Enlist the Court to help you. You can get child support from your husband. if he is unfit to be around your son – the Court can still make him provide.

Lean on some assistance programs.

Public ones:
Everybody says they don’t want to use them but we ALL pay for them so why not use them if it will KEEP YOU TOGETHER!!! Don’t let pride cost you your child! The government has TONS of programs for single parents! Everything from housing programs, WIC, healthcare, TANF, food assistance, daycare, etc. and grants (meaning “loans” you NEVER HAVE TO PAY BACK) for everything from education to starting your own business.

http://www.usa.gov/

You may even want to visit you local office for family services to see what assistance you qualify for through your state.

Private/Non-profit Organizations:
These groups are usually run by people who have personal experience or deep concern for their causes. They are there to help because they understand! Here are a few you might find beneficial:
http://nar-anon.org/index.html
http://www.liveunited.org/myuw/
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/Home.htm
http://www.angelfoodministries.com/
http://www.coabode.com/
http://www.safe-families.org/

Your local women and children’s shelter, women’s resource center or domestic violence center can probably assist you in finding the services you need also.

If look around the internet you can find lots of articles, pages and blogs dedicated to helping and supporting single mothers.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Surviving-As-a-Single-Mother—If-I-Can-Do-it-You-Can-Too!&id=2225705
http://baby.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Single_Parent_Help

Many women, especially with a first baby, experience fear during their pregnancies – even when everything is “normal”. Hormones are going crazy, your body feels strange, uncomfortable or even painful. Labor and delivery and motherhood can seem very frightening. You are dealing with a TEMPORARY crisis during this which is making it seem overwhelming – don’t let it cause you to make a choice you will regret in regards to your child. Focus on being safe and healthy for a few more weeks until AFTER your child is born. Stay with your family if you need to. Everything else, including adoption, can wait until AFTER your son has safely arrived.

Perhaps someday his father will be able to become healthy enough to be a part of his child’s life, but for now, you and your son need to be taken care of and YOU are the ONLY one who can guarantee that it happens. There are lots of people who will help you do it, but only YOU can let them help you.

I wish you and your son all the best. I hope that both of you are safe, healthy and happy when all is said and done. I know you will always love him, no matter what happens.
Written by K & C about 2 years ago.

I just saw what you wrote and the answers you got. I want you let you know that happy good adoptions happen all the time. If you really think that adoption is right for you and your child please don’t let these people talk you out of it. Do you know anyone who was adopted as an infant? if you do please talk to them because most are very happy. If i were you i would get in contact with and agency that will work with you and make the adoption work the way YOU want it too. Adoption isn’t always right and it isn’t always wrong. No matter what you do people will have a problem with it.
My friend for, example was talked out of an abortion twice because people told her it was murdering. Then she was talked out of adoption because it was abandonment. so now she gets Child Protective services called on her all the time because she is a poor ex-con and people think she shouldn’t have a child. She kept the second pregnancy because she was talked out of an abortion again. Now she is elbow deep in an adoption that of course people are jumping down her throat about. So again i see please do what YOU think is best. You are not the child these other people think they should be talking down too. Please do what YOU!!! think is best.
I hope all goes well for you in whatever you decide.
Written by Randy B about 2 years ago.

Divorce or not, before or after, he would still need to consent.
Written by Corn is not dog food! No wheat! about 2 years ago.

So, you’re facing divorce and single motherhood?

Your baby is about to lose his mother forever. Seems to me, losing you is far, far worse than having to face a scary, uncertain time in your life.

This isn’t the end of the world. There are people just like you. People who are dealing with incredible problems, and fighting through it day by day.

Find them!
There are support groups.
You’re so lucky that your family seems involved and supportive. Rely on them, that’s what they’re there for. Times of need! This is your time of need! They’ll help you.

Apply for government aid. It’s just temporary. Just until you and your baby get settled.

Move in with family.
If you MUST place your baby with someone, make it someone in your family. Make it temporary and go back for him when you can.

Ask for help from more distant relatives. Ask his relatives to fork over money and supplies. It’s the least they can do, since the father can’t.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! You won’t always be in the middle of a divorce. You won’t always be scared and poor.

Please reconsider.
Written by xlinzx88x about 2 years ago.

Ugh, now, why would you set him up for adoption? You need to get consent from your husband if you want to give your son away. You can always get child support and if you’ve been out of work, you can get spousal support too. You have a family who will be supportive of you. You’re already bonded to your son and have things set up, why would giving him to someone else even cross your mind? Bottom line, you have options, you can’t give the baby away without written consent from the father and you’ll be making a huge mistake if you put your baby through that.
Written by Spooky1 about 2 years ago.

You need to set the wheels of divorce in motion at once. Get all the professional help you deserve and need. Keep your baby and allow your family to emotionally support you. I think your husband will not have many rights in his current situation. Tell him that he will be allowed supervised contact with his child until he has a clean bill of health. Be fair but very, very firm. You are right to move on with your life, so as to concentrate on the baby and yourself.
Written by crzymmof8 about 2 years ago.

Your husband would have the right to parent this baby. Is there no way for you to parent? It is not all about money. I just hear that you love your son so much. I am an adoptive parent so I am not against adoption. I just feel like you sound like you are already bonded to this son of yours. I know you are scared and have so much to deal with but if there is any way…
If you truly cannot see a way. There are agencies you can talk to. I just wonder if you talked to say Catholic social services if they couldn’t help you with options to keep the child. Praying for peace for you and for help with whatever you decide.
Written by StopBlamingOthersForYourMistakes about 2 years ago.

Wouldn’t your child want to be in yours AND your husband’s life? Why divorce him just because he’s got a problem? How selfish is that? Get the man you love help. For better or worse, you know. Your child deserves both parents.

How would your child feel knowing that you ran off his father? You let him sprial down hill and possibly so far that he’ll never be in his own son’s life? You’re being selfish. VERY selfish.

As for those anti-marriage and anti-father/men people ignore them. They just needed your question as a soapbox to stand on regarding their anti-adoption agendas.

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

Serious Adoption Question–married to drug addict?

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