Please…I feel like giving up on life?

29/11/2010 admin 5 comments

I know Its long, If you think it’s annoyingly long then please just dont read/answer.

I just feel like giving up with life. Not committing suicide as such but Its like this horrible feeling like I cant kill myself because I dont want to but when I feel this way I dont want to go to work I dont want to see anyone or talk about It i just cry and cry and feel awful. Ive had a f*cking shit life but i’ve never used it to gain pity, never told many people about it and never really complained cos theres always someone whos got it 10x worse.

I grew up in a violent household my dad was smoking weed and my sisters were into drugs in their teens. One of them became a heroin addict and had to go to rehab far away from where I lived. She got clean then relapsed 3 years later and died. I have nightmares and flashbacks of the moment the police arrived at my house to tell us she was dead. I didnt speak to her for 3 months before she died because I was bitter about all the horrible things she did to me and my family when the heroin had a hold on her. I just couldnt forgive her so I didnt speak to her and then she spiralled out of control in the space of a few weeks and then she was just gone leaving her son orphaned (his dad is a waster who wants nothing to do with him) at 6 years old so he had to live with my other sister. She was not into drugs except weed but her and her boyfriend grew cannabis and got caught and now he’s looking at a custodial sentence.

I love my sister and her boyfriend is great and a great father to the kids and a great father figure to my nephew but again, I just cant forgive them for what theyve done. They live off benefits and have just moved to a beatiful 3 bed house that hard working people have been waiting years for. My mum has paid hundreds of pounds for things for the house. I wasnt bitter at first but I really am now because I am desperate (really, painfully desperate) to get my teeth fixed as they are slightly crooked, yet she refuses to help me out by paying a couple of monthly installments for the braces (something which, unlike my sister, I would be happy to pay her back for, with interest), Instead telling me I must wait untill I have saved, something which will take months. I was promised we could get the ball rollingin january. If my brother in law goes down I have to move in with my sister and help look after three kids at 18 (she cant drive and I can so I would have to do all the driving – kids to school, sister to community service etc) when half of my mates sit in school all day doing F*ck all and get to go home to a happy, close nit family.

My dad lives in france I hardly see him. I have to live with my grandparents and my mum and have a bad relationship with my nan who uses her age as an excuse to be rude to me and not expect anything back. There have been times i have wanted to punch her because i dislike her alot but I cant because she’s an old lady and i try to respect my elders. And Its HER house not mine so I have to bite my tounge and the frustration kills when i want to just scream at her and I cant because my mum will literally like slap me and stuff If I raise my voice etc.

Im self conciouss and I feel like I would be SO hapy with the way i looked If i could just sort out a couple of things. I work 9-6 monday to friday and I come home and Its just stress stress stress. There is something wrong with me mentally but I cant work out what it is. Its not something obvious I dont think – just something i’ve come to realise myself. I am completely different to other people around me in the way i act. I build up ideas and plans in my head for prettymuch everything and if something goes slightly wrong I get devastated. I will cry if i know friends are out on a friday night and i’m not.

I also get the feeling i am a nicer person than anyone else because im polite, friendly and generous and I dont keep friends for long usually because someone just ends up knocking me down. I have to dumb myself down for people. Im not saying im more intelligent than people but sometimes its just the way i speak like I use big words and i have to stop myself otherwise I look like an idiot.

I am a very nervous and insecure, paranoid person. I want to escape but I just cant. I am not expecting a miracle from anyone on here but some wise words would be of help. What can I do to overcome these feelings? Please no rude comments about my family, they arent perfect but theyre my family none the less.

Thanks
(p.s spelling and grammar might be bad Im in a hurry to get the question out so not gonna bother going through it all)
SundaeRose..Unfortunately not. The area where I live is a very expensive placeto live and I dont have any money saved.

SON'S DRUG ABUSE QUESTIONS feel, giving, life., like, Please...I

Comments

Written by SundaeRose about 1 year ago.

Since your working can you move out on your own?
Written by Sugar-licious about 1 year ago.

I completely understand how you feel, my home life is similar, when I go to school I Love it there as I can do what I want and I’m stress free and when school finishes I really get upset because when I go home it’s always stress, shouting, screaming but your a strong person you don’t have any mental problems, I think you just need someone you can share your problems too as you have mentioned that.
If you are under 18 I think you should wait and stay in with your grandma’s home and just tolerate it, but when your 18 I suggest you to move away into a different town and live your life independently if your 18 or over save your money and move houses. Remember to achieve something you have to loose something too. You can always email me if you have any problems I don’t mind giving advice you sem like a nice and cool person and btw I like people that have the same attitude as you.
Written by Bill about 1 year ago.

Best moves:
FInd a place of your own. If you can’t, you can’t, but that would be best.
Dump the boyfriend. You can do better.
Your background or past is hard. Don’t blame yourself for your sister’s death. You had no way of knowing she was going to die, and she made her own choices. You couldn’t have stopped her.
You must figure out what you want in life, both now, currently, and in the future. Then go for it. What would make you happy? There is no sense in not going for that.
As best you can, forget the past, you can’t change it.
You seem like a nice person, with some psychological issues–we all have them. Just be who you are. Try to associate with smarter, more educated friends, and you won’t have to watch what you say so much.
Written by Lady09 about 1 year ago.

I wish to give you a hug, or maybe a flower to show that we are care.
Written by marksw about 1 year ago.

Hi, it sounds to me like there are two main issues that are affecting your health and mental well being.
Firstly it seems from your writing that you are still grieving the loss of your sister through drug addiction. This is an issue that is something you might possibly benefit discussing with either a therapist or consellor.
Secondly, it is also evident that your childhood has left you deeply traumatised due to the abusive nature of your father and his drug abuse. Again, although easier said that done, I would suggest that if possible you try to talk to a qualified therapist about this.
It sounds as though you might not currently be in a position to pay for this but perhaps there is an option for discussing this through free professional advice.
To me, it seems that whilst these two issues are uppermost in your mind it will be difficult for you to resolve anything else. It is apparent that whilst you are still grieving the loss of your sister and your childhood you are focussing this grief on the way you look and your slightly crooked teeth or the injustice of your extended family getting what you feel they don’t deserve.
If you need to talk please don’t do anything rash, contact the Samaritans or a similar voluntary organisation.
Take care

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

Please…I feel like giving up on life?

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