People who have been married to an alcoholic, what would you do?

07/10/2010 admin 8 comments

My husband of 4 years, we have a 1 year old daughter, is an alcoholic. he knows he is, he freely admits it, but he seems to have no shame in it! He has been in and out of trouble with the law since he was 11, he is now 33. He will drink until he passes out, or black out, or sometimes go into rages and start up ending stuff, or punching holes in walls…etc. He has never attacked me, or the children (also have an 8 year old step son), but he is scary when he drinks.

He has sworn to me time and time again that he understands that the alcohol isn’t worth it, that his family is more important and that he is going to quit drinking, and that works for a while…and then he convinces himself that he can handle it this time, he can control home much he drinks….and that works for a bit too, but then the binge drinking happens again, and i am flipping him over in the drive way so if it rains he doesn’t drown.

He hardly helps out around the house, he picks the kids up from school/daycare, and he cooks dinner, but that is more due to the fact that i don’t get home until 5:30pm and I am expected to do homework with the 8 year old for about an hour or two, so if dinner isn’t close to ready when I get home our time table is all screwed up, and he gets home around 4:30, so he would cook…he does not help with the baby, doesn’t know how to put her asleep, doesn’t know how much to feed her, barely ever changes her (maybe 20 diapers in 16 months), has never woken up to get her…etc. He also only wants to watch HIS shows, my shows are considered to be stupid or crap, and his temper is so bad he can’t even help the kids with their homework or playing much because he gets SO mad, and when he gets mad then he just throws what he has in his hand or picks up what ever is near by.

He was arrested on his 5th DUI this weekend, he is in jail, they revoked his probation, he will be there for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, we just don’t know yet. He has never hit me or the kids, I want to make that clear, but where should I go from here? He keeps asking me, over the phone, if I am going to divorce him and I just don’t know…95% of the time he is fine, sometimes he is even great, but I may be grading on a curve here, because those other 5% he is just a d*ickhead, and his nickname is Mr. Grumpy, given by his mom! His parents are WONDERFUL, I don’t know what made him so damaged….what would you do? Divorce him, try to work on it..I don’t want to give him false hope that we will get back together….but I don’t feel ready to close that door yet…HELP! I need advice from people who have lived through this.
I would like to mention that he DOES work a full time job, and gets paid descent money.
Also, everything is in MY name, the house, the utilities, everything is in my name and making ends meet just on my salary will be tough, but NOT impossible, I will not loose the house if I divorce him or anything, I am financially independent
I do feel as though he is a drain on our family, and the term walking on egg shells hit home…I have used that term myself…can’t upset daddy…do you wan’t daddy to loose it…hurry get out of daddy’s chair….*sigh* walking on egg shells describes that very well.

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT alcoholic, been, married, people, would

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Written by Happy-2 about 2 years ago.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone more in need of AA than him. You need to tell him that if he wants you not to divorce him, he needs to meet a goal of 60 in 60 – that means 60 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in 60 days. Yes, most prison systems do have 12-step programs. And you need to start going to Al-Anon, a support group for relatives of alcoholics. There, you’ll meet other people who have dealt with what you’re dealing with, and who can give you sound, real-world advice.
Written by boomn4x42 about 2 years ago.

Leave…. a husband should be great 95% of the time, and fine the other 5%… “d*ickhead” should never come into play.

Look at it this way… you are enabling him. He has a life, and he is happy with his life… he will continue to do what he does as long as you let him. You know its wrong, he knows it wrong…. the only person that can help him is you… if you love him, and want him to get better, you will leave him. If he can get things sorted out…and make things better, then you can get back together in the future and live happily ever after… but until then, you have a responsiblity to him to deal him a hand of tough love.

He won’t make it better… YOU need to make it better.
Written by say it all... about 2 years ago.

It’s been 21 years together – 14 married and I am done. I am going to a marital therapist (alone) and feel that divorce is eminent. I can no longer do this. Our 10 year old daughter even sees the cruelty and the excessive drinking. At this point I have to do what I have to do to provide a stable and safe environment for me and my child. I wish I hadn’t kept giving my husband chance after chance and just gotten out years ago…

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to try some counseling or Al-Anon and decide where you want to go from there…

Frankly, I look back and see the thousands of wasted dollars, the lack of any retirement savings, the constant penny pinching because he’s out of work…and I think as much as I hate to say it, my husband is not a contributor – he’s a drain.

Try counseling…

Edit: My husband makes good money too, in between lay-offs and injuries…unemployment and worker’s comp don’t provide much in the way of retirement and benefits…also – I bought our house too…it doesn’t matter – in the end, he’s a drain on our finances; my mental health; my patience; our child…the niceties don’t ever fully make up for the BS. You aren’t sure right now – so you keep making excuses and passing things off as okay but give it time – your patience will wear thin, your 8 year old will grow and start pointing things out and asking hard questions…you’ll get to where I am eventually. Besides – mine has never had a DUI, I can’t imagine that you are truly okay with yours having 5 and that none of those DUI’s are costing you time, energy and money…In CT we would have to pay an attorney about $10K to represent in a DUI case….
Written by Stephanie L about 2 years ago.

His jail time is hopefully the wakeup call that he needs. I was in this situation once and when my ex was in jail, I enjoyed being free of the crap that he put me and the kids through. During that time, I done alot of soul searching and decided that for the sake of my kids and I, I left him. When he got out, he said that he changed, found Jesus and all the other bs that he knew that I wanted to hear but he wasn’t serious about. My kids and I are happier (we are not walking on eggshells now), safer (not having to worry about raging tempers), and I am less stressed (not having an adult that doesn’t do crap around the house). Use this time to do your own soul searching and I guarantee that when he is gone, your life and your kids’ life will be filled with peace because there is no alcohol involved.
Written by Pearl about 2 years ago.

You need to issue an ultimatum, either he gets treated (with specifics here) by a certain date or you file for divorce.

Quite simply, his addiction is more important to him than you or your child.

My husband, while not an alcoholic, has a binge drinking problem, which I tolerated (its “culturally acceptable” where I live) for far too long – there were lots of arguments and lots of unkept promises. It was the biggest single factor in the fact that I dont love him any more.
Written by ablex about 2 years ago.

If you don’t want to live this way, leave.
It really is that simple.
Written by saggi about 2 years ago.

i hope n pray that u will overcome all this
your strong will n faith will surely change him
Written by mebo about 2 years ago.

The only way an alcoholic will get sober is if they choose to. There is nothing else on earth that will do this for him. They usually need to hit rock bottom to get the motivation they need.

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your kids. Find an al anon meeting which may help you learn coping skills. Once you decide that you’ve had enough, leave him. Otherwise hang in there as long as you can without it making you unhealthy.

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People who have been married to an alcoholic, what would you do?

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