I grew up as the golden child of seven children, the favorite among all. My parents were dealing with an alcoholic adult son and a diliquent teenage son. Then, the alcoholic son got a girl pregnant and the other son had to be bailed out of jail. And guess what I did to twist the knife on my parents’ wounds? I accidentally got pregnant and didn’t marry. My father got cancer a few months later and then he died. Till this day, I feel like I had a lot to do with his death. I know I didn’t cause the cancer, but maybe he was so torn, disappointed, and worried about me and all of the other events that the whole thing blew up in his face. He was and still is one of my best friends, and I fear that I will be forever haunted that I broke his heart.
I am still with the father of the child (we went on to have another). It’s been almost six years and I’ve realized why my father was worried: the father of my children is not the one for me. Nobody in my huge family likes him and/or thinks he’s okay, but not the one for me. I really care about him, but he is very high strung and has emotional outbursts (he yells about things like temporarily using the dining table as a sewing table). I am on the verge of leaving, but I don’t have a job to support myself. I’ve applied to several jobs, but no luck so far. Any advice?