My ex is an attorney and active alcoholic in COMPLETE denial. We share a son. What should I do?

23/05/2011 admin 7 comments

I am in a real tricky situation. I live in a small town, in Iowa, where my ex practices as a attorney. We were only engaged when I had our son and broke up,due largely to his alcohol abuse, before ever having been married. However, we have nothing in writing regarding custody. As bad as that sounds I couldn’t afford an attorney and no one would represent me any way being that would be a conflict of interest against my ex. I realize I would need to find a out of town lawyer but again money is tight.
Over the years we have had ups and downs getting along largely because of his erratic mood swings. He takes our son only once a week and OCCASIONALLY overnight,like maybe 5 times per year. That is a big reason why I don’t pursue any thing because it’s better our son sees him less often than more,as sad as that sounds. Oh when he picks him up he’s ‘wonder dad’ and our son thinks he’s wonderful but I’m watching this man deteriorate from either just alcohol or something more.
He has had severe weight loss and I have people contacting me asking “what’s wrong with him , he looks like he has cancer.” I also hear he gets kicked out of bars because of his temper and vile behavior. There are days he’s extremely hyper and others where he is emotionally removed or indifferent. I am a non practicing nurse, now married and at home mom with a small business ran from home. As a nurse I know he is mentally unstable and while he is good with our son ONE day a week[and that is usually while in the midst of his sisters and mom] I don’t trust his emotional stability to hold around our son forever. He has had horrible rage fits with me over the phone over the smallest of things, and constantly threatens me with court although he’s never specific as to what he thinks he would gain out of it. After the legal threats and verbal abuse over the phone[your a liar,your crazy,you make me sick, ]he talks to me later like nothing ever happened.Some times he claims he doesn’t ‘remember’ having that conversation YET he’ll turn around and call me delusional and crazy. He DOES however seem to know his limitations which I feel is why he takes our son so little.
This whole situation walks a fine line. I do feel our son shouldn’t be in his care ALONE because I don’t know if he’s using drugs etc. Is there anything I can do, even though I have many witnesses with his alcohol abuse or is it still just my word against his? He can pull so many of his lawyer strings how can I fight him? If I even bring up something that I feel is a concern directly to him he goes ballistic! Will me fighting him bring more harm than good? I didn’t sign up to be a psychologist when dealing with this man so I am running out of patience every time I am verbally attacked because of something he doesn’t want to hear. He’s a ticking time bomb and I don’t want our son to suffer because of it.
[I would ask his family for help but they also have alcohol issues and are in complete denial of it.]

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT active, alcoholic, attorney, complete, denial, share, should, son.

Comments

Written by jimrich about 1 year ago.

He’s a ticking time bomb and I don’t want our son to suffer because of it.
>> Do what’s right for your son!
Written by JT about 1 year ago.

Does he have any friends? Maybe you guys can get together and do an intervention. Alcohol abuse usually doesn’t cause severe weight loss so maybe it’s drugs too. If you really want you should consult a lawyer yourself for your legal rights and to protect your son. Good luck.
Written by Poopsie Mellish about 1 year ago.

Intervention. When he screws up, he will face intervention from the Bar Association and possibly lose his license. Ryde on does have a point there too.
Written by George McCasland about 1 year ago.

Sounds like you are looking for excuses to become a Gatekeeper mother to control his access or to outright deny him access, like 40% of mothers do.
http://dads-house.org/ChildrenOfSeparatedParents
Written by Ryde On about 1 year ago.

Just because he hates and rages at you on the phone doesn’t mean he feels anything like that towards his son ,or anyone else for that matter ,,,, does it ?

Just an FYI ,, you don’t have any real proof of any type of substance abuse and until you do , you had best keep your mouth shut unless you like the idea of facing slander and liable charges .

If you were to damage a professionals image or reputation that just might be a civil suit worth millions .
Written by Ben about 1 year ago.

Your right you are in a tricky spot. I’ve worked with alcoholics and they will only get worse till they hit rock bottom. If he’s (your X) is lucky he will do so without hurting or even killing anyone on the way. Sooner or later he’s going to show up drunk wanting to drive off with your son. I hope this isn’t happening already. Some people can hide there drinking VERY well.
In the mean time you might want to record some of these calls. If you have recordings of him calling threatening and going into a tirade it could only strengthen your case. In most states these recordings are admissible as long as one person on the call is aware they are being recorded. I would not let him know he is being recorded. That would be for your attorney to do. I know it sounds paranoid BUT it would probably be best to keep this recording to yourself! Friend’s, family evens your own son, might have split loyalties or just not understand how important and even dangerous this could be for you.
I would not count on the bartenders or bar managers to back you up. I’ve found 95% of the people out there don’t want to get involved.
Written by lane about 1 year ago.

I’m struggling to answer this. My ex is an alcoholic. I understand how impossible it is to reason with someone with that kind of brain damage (on top of, probably, a personality that’s already impulsive & narcissistic). Alcohol-brain is real.

You could go to the courts if you feel you have to. You could probably make a solid case, if you document everything (check to see if recording phone conversations is illegal in your state) and have witnesses. I just have a feeling though that would be a match that started a fire. If he really is behaving during the visits, urine testing and supervised visits won’t change the overall picture – he’ll still be a self-destructive addict, only pi$$ed off, and possibly unemployed. And that could drive him to crazier behaviour.

I’m not convinced that going legal will help things…Starting this process will mean your ex will be criminalized. It’ll have an irreversible impact on his career and life. There’s no guarantee he’ll get better as a result – he could get worse, will probably get worse. (My dad lost his license to practice many years ago because of non-addiction mental health issues. Since then he’s deteriorated beyond anything I could have imagined. I can’t even describe it, it breaks my heart.)

Even though it’s only a few days here and there, it sounds like they’re meaningful to your son. Dads are important to sons, even radically imperfect ones. I’ll also say that those visits are probably as important to your ex as your son, if he can hold it together and watches his limits…

How dangerous is your ex during the visits? Is it his mom and sisters – the ones who are now ‘supervising’ things – who drink, too? If not, maybe it’s worth reaching out to at least one of them, and expressing your concerns there. How old is your child? Could he be given a cell phone, and taught to call mom if anything ‘weird’ happens? Could you make the overnights impossible? Minimize the hours he gets?

I am really torn with this. Your son needs to be safe. But going the legal route – disregarding the cost and the fact that your ex is a lawyer – doesn’t guarantee anything. Your ex will raise hell no matter what you do…

I’m sure you’ve tried this already, and I know this is manipulative and exhausting and you’re past it, but you could make it about him. Alcoholics are full of self pity and respond to that. ‘I’m worried about you. You’re not looking too well. How are things?’ God, I say that, also knowing that whatever trust you gain that way could be lost in the next second. And even if not, he won’t concede fault or admit to needing support.

I wish I could be of more help. Dancing around your ex is no answer, I know.

edit:

these links don’t help clarify things either. i’m really sorry you’re going through this.
http://www.gregoryforman.com/blog/2009/04/visitation-and-the-alcoholic-parent/
http://divorce.laws.com/child-visitation/child-vistation-problems-and-suggestions/child-visitation-problems-and-suggestion-overview

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

My ex is an attorney and active alcoholic in COMPLETE denial. We share a son. What should I do?

Comments

Recent Posts

Categories

Tags