I need help in dealing with my alcoholic husband…does anyone have tips?

02/01/2011 admin 16 comments

We’ve been together 4 years, have an almost 2 year old son, and have been married almost 3 months. I love him very much, he is one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met. However, he goes in these spurts where he will be drinking a lot and seem to completely not care about me at all. He’ll say mean things whens he’s drunk, which I know he doesn’t mean but it still hurts. He’s gone to rehab once last year, it helped…he was sober 73 days until a buddy of his passed away and through him right back into the drinking. Since then (April 2007) he’s been drinking. Sometimes not much, sometimes way too much. He had a sober 3 weeks this last month and then wanted to go out to dinner (our son going to grandma’s for the night) and I knew that meant trouble…he’s going to drink. Well, sure enough he did…and I can’t lie…I had a couple beers myself, but I’m not the one with a drinking problem. I feel like our marriage is all of a sudden unimportant to him. Even though he loves me and would do anything for my son and I, it’s making me very bitter. I feel like I’ve been told I won the lotto, then, “oh wait, there’s been a mistake. you didn’t win” kind of thing. I was SO happy when he quit drinking again, I thought something finally clicked and he was going to shape up. Then BAM right back to drinking full force. Now, he’s gone all the time and I’m alone with our 2 yr old son who’s constantly asking me, “daddy home soon?” and I have to be there when Daddy doesn’t show up to do things that were promised to our son. Sometimes I think I hate him, and other times I think…How lucky am I? Cuz he can be a wonderful person! And he is a good dad, until his recent broken promise.
Does anyone have an alcoholic spouse and know of ways to help them and yourself go through the tough times? I love him, so please don’t tell me to divorce him. I’m not giving up that easily. I want real advice, not a cop out. Thanks!
I have realized throughout my life that me wanting somebody to change is not enough for them to change (my dad is also an alcoholic). He went to rehab, went to AA meetings, and has recently considered it again. I just can’t find the words of encouragement without them being my own selfish reasons…or without sounding like I”m begging him.
Sorry, “he went to rehab” is referring to my husband not my father.
In response to michigan…I do know much about alcoholism as far as what the books tell you. As I stated I’ve lived with one my entire life, my father hasn’t missed a day of drinking that I can remember. I just wondered if anyone found ways of living with it, without it breaking you down to the point of wondering if it’s worth being married to him. He had a good spell, I believed he was different than my father type of alcoholic, because no joke..I can’t think of 1 day in my life that my dad didn’t drink. Anyway, I have done a lot of research, I just felt this would be a way to talk to women/men who deal with this on a day to day basis. I can’t go to al-anon because times are tough and sadly, the only person who does extra driving in our family is my husband when he goes out drinking. Which causes me to not be able to drive anywhere else cuz we’re broke. To work and back for me, only.

QUESTIONS ABOUT SON'S ALCOHOLISM alcoholic, anyone, dealing, Help, husband...does, need, Tips

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Written by serial violator nd fan about 1 year ago.

AA-go to a meeting and seek out advice there.
Written by . . about 1 year ago.

All the support from you is great…but he needs professional help. He has to join some kind of a group and WANT to change. I’m sorry but just you is not going to be enough. If addictions, especially those driven by emotional triggers, where that easy to get over with there would not be alcoholics.
Written by Nikki S about 1 year ago.

I know how you feel. My husband isn’t as bad but he has had other addictions(drugs) and now drinks to much for my comfort. Your husband obviously needs help. Try to get him back into rehab. You shouldn’t feel the way you do about your husband when you say you think you hate him. Your son deserves better. Good Luck
Written by redhead27 about 1 year ago.

You hit it spot on when you said:
“I feel like our marriage is all of a sudden unimportant to him”

When you are dealing with an alcoholic, your marriage is 2nd or 3rd or even further down the list of priorities. Thats because alcohol is more important than anything, so don’t expect for him to be attentive and take care of your marriage… the alcohol has taken over and thats much more important.

Also, you are experiencing the life of an alcoholic… the constant ups and downs of their sobriety, the wish-washy emotions and the turning to the alcohol when “times get tough”…

Of course he is great when he is not drinking, all alcoholics are… but he has a problem.

Your whole marriage cannot be based on sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s not… you married a man with a disease that he will struggle with for the rest of his life.

If you are ok with being his last priority when he drinks and if you are ok with the instability, then stay with him.

But it won’t stop… it just won’t.
Written by michiganxgenfem about 1 year ago.

You asked, I have to say, you have waited this long to actually learn about alcoholism? You said he went to rehab – did you participate? Have you ever taken this seriously? Then you Marry him? You need to go to an al anon meeting and take this seriously for the first time in you and YOUR child’s life. Sorry but tough love is what you need. You are only given one life, so is your child…don’t waste it thinking you are “helping” this man. There are millions and millions of men in this country…why is this alcoholic so special? I have lots of alcoholics in my family and the will ruin your life if you let them.
Written by LindaLoo about 1 year ago.

There is no such thing as DEALING with an alcoholic. You either live with the ups & downs of it for the rest of your life OR you tell him unless he enters an inpatient treatment program to STOP ONCE AND FOR ALL you will leave him – PERIOD. Otherwise all you are doing is enabling him and things will NEVER change and you will NEVER be happy and your child will grow up with an alcoholic parent and will THEN statistically be 75% more likely to be an alcoholic too. Do you want THIS for the rest of your life and your childs life too?

Then put your foot down so change happens permanently otherwise it NEVER will. Sorry – sad but true! You are living with an ADDICT.
Written by Mr. Never Gettinany about 1 year ago.

If he’s hurting you or really getting mouthy, you need to first talk to him, then take some other measures (i don’t know what). If you just don’t like him drinking… well, you should first make sure that you’re perfect, and that you’re offering him s*x several times a week. If not, well, drinking may be his only pleasure in life.
Written by I trust no one about 1 year ago.

You want real advice. You can’t do anything for him if he doesn’t want to get better. Period, point blank. Anyone who says anything different to you is simply lying to you.

OH if he wants to get better there are a lot of things you can do to help,

But the questions does he want to get better, and if the answer is no all you can do is decide to accept him as a drunk or leave.

Assuming he wants to get better there are programs like AA, many churches and other organized religions have programs that are known to work. I am not a big fan of organized religion my self but if these things help him I am all for it.

Also it kind of becomes YOUR problem. You had a beer, okay no big deal because he was drinking anyway, but assuming he wanted to quit it would pretty much mean you would have to quit too.

It is not easy to fight substance abuse as the one who uses or as the spouse of the user, but if they want to get better they will get better and if they don’t they won’t.
Written by ♥ ♥HONESTY RULES♥♥ about 1 year ago.

I have been with my alcoholic husband for 12 years. We have 6 children. When things are good, they are great. When things are bad, they are unbearable. Basically my best advice would be to focus on YOU and your CHILDREN. Read the book, Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage, easy read, great tips. Learn not to participate in the arguments, don’t let someone else’s words hurt you or affect the way you feel about yourself. The hardest part for me is not holding a grudge. They don’t normally remember every detail of every drunken rage, but we can’t forget it. Sometimes I just want to be like “I don’t really give a crap if you are being nice right NOW, what about the @sshole attack you had for 4 hours last night?” Instead of holding a grudge you have to “fake it until you make it” Sounds unfair, but it’s the only way. It is a disease. I HAVE wanted to leave and just say screw it, but would I leave him if he had Cancer? No. I said a vow, like you, in sickness and in health, this is a sickness. As a young couple it would be really weird if he were sober all the time. Most of our social life consists of hanging out with our friends and having a few beers. He has also done the whole rehab thing, sober for a whole 15 DAYS! He was super nice, but it was weird. It sucks I know, you just need to develope some coping skills. Try the yahoo group A Hope For Today. Those people were really nice and helped me. I don’t go to the alanon meetings, I’m not really good at the whole organized religion thing and they are a bunch of holy rollers, but I have found peace within myself and deal with it the best I can. I expect nothing, therefore I am never disappointed.

If you need some added support, or have a particular situation you need help with, feel free to email me. I’m right there with you♥♥

I just read your edit. My dad is a drunk too. Isn’t it weird how that works out?!
Written by Sunny about 1 year ago.

What if my advice really is “leave him” ? It’s not a cop out, I’ve lived through an alcoholic relationship. It won’t end…you will see your son’s heart breaking every time his dad doesn’t keep his promises, just like I had to watch my daughters. Sometimes leaving them is what wakes them up. It took the father of my girls going to jail for 3 1/2 years to make him even consider stopping drinking…he STILL hasn’t and he’s 59! I guess you can go to Al-Anon or something, but you won’t get rid of that anxious “is he gonna screw up ” feeling that you walk around with all the time ( and you DO) and start living a happier life until he’s out of your life.
Written by Cadillacman about 1 year ago.

Without treatment, alcoholics NEVER get better. They always go downhill. If he won’t join AA or get some other effective help, you’ll have to leave him for your safety and your son’s safety. If he’s saying mean things to you (he DOES mean them when he says them), it will elevate to doing mean things to you, and possibly to your son also.

Get out and stay out until he sobers up, and stays sober for some period of time (longer than a few days).

Go in peace. And always remember: — God loves you.
Written by Annabella about 1 year ago.

He won’t change until he’s ready but if you could get him to go back to meetings that would help a great deal. As you probably already know, he will always be an addict. It’s up to him to manage this. All you can really do is tell him you love him, you’re worried about him, it’s effecting his life, your life, and your child’s life, and you know he can do better than that. Get a schedule of meetings in your area & remind him that he needs to go. If anything it would keep him sober that one day. Remind him that a lot of people who are CURRENTLY using still go to meetings. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a safe place to go & everyone is welcomed there. Some people feel like hypocrites if they’re not 100% sober so that’s why I say that. I wish you the best with this. My husband is a heroin addict. If you ever need to talk you can email me
Written by penelope about 1 year ago.

I admire the fact that you are not gonna throw in the towel and give up on this man, but sometimes this is what it takes, sometimes this can be the bottom for alcoholics, but for many others it’s just another reason to drink. I have heard all the excuses and reasons for drinking, alcoholics are very good at justifying their drinking, and playing the blame game. This is a progressive disease, one that takes in it’s own family as hostage, as the co-dependent which I believe is you, is typically the one who is actually more ill then the alcoholic, therefore it would be wise of you to go to Al-anon, this is a support group of men and women who are effected by someones drinking, be it a spouse, mother, father, brother, etc. Your husband wont stop drinking because of you or his child or anyone else for that matter, the only thing that will and can stop him is himself, and he can rant and rave about stopping his drinking all day long, but until he really, really wants it, it wont happen, and I don’t doubt that he has the best intentions, but his desire to quit can go on and on for many more years to come, so you can either live with it, or not, and if you do decide to live with it, think about going to Al-anon, for yourself, not because you want to lay the guilt trip on him, do this for your own sanity.
Written by cindyann45@sbcglobal.net about 1 year ago.

OMG how do you answer this question I road the wave and came out on the other side of it! How did I do it good question I did everything you have done but about 5 years into it I stood up and had enough I got over him I sold the house I moved in with parents I kept working I never looked back 2 weeks after the big move I got a call from the hospital he had checked himself in and they need the insurance info well he could not have it my insurance and we getting divorced and he can go to he!! and I hung up on them they called my boss and got the info anyway I tried to block it everyway! Then after 1 month he was still there at the rehab he had not called me bugged me or anything wich I found rather intriginig! I went to the hospital and had a visit with one of there councilers and they prayed with me and made me understand that he was genuine he did not want to see me he wanted to get well and he wanted me to go to counciling also I did and here we are today 31 years later 25 years sober! It has not all been great he went thru 2 or 3 years of dry drunk not drinking but trying to have the same personality then that to faded! To busy with life at that point had 3 kids and you did not have time or money for anything else! Am I glad I stuck around sometimes I have to admit standing up for myself and not being a victim is still with me today I am very independent I demand respect from him and my children. In one way it made me hard but in other way the kids and he also loves me for being “the honest one”haha personal joke but I keep them on the right track! Valuable lessons can be learned from all the crosses you carry in life and you are learning one right now hang in there be strong and you will know when enough is enough! Prayers your way right now!
Written by curlysimmer about 1 year ago.

There is a support group for families with alcoholic members and they appear to do just that. They don’t try to get you to leave or stay they just give you the space,support, and empathy you may need to make a decision and stay with it. Your local Alcoholics Anonymous can guide you to your group. Good luck.
Written by 4JESUS about 1 year ago.

The only thing I can share with you is what I have done. Pray! Prayer is very powerful. Nothing is impossible with God. I started reading the book “Power of a praying woman/wife/parent” by Stormie Omartian. It really helped me understand how powerful prayer really is. The Lord hears our prayers.
Read your bible or join a bible study. You will never regret it.

The Lord has saved my marriage from destruction.

Here’s a verse I really like

Jeremiah 29:11-13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with < >.

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I need help in dealing with my alcoholic husband…does anyone have tips?

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