I have a question about my 17 year old son?

11/06/2011 admin 13 comments

His father hasn’t exercised his visitation in 2 years. (I am divorced from his dad). My son was very hurt. I found out he used pot and alcohol to deal with it. I took him for help. He’s always been a good kid and a good student. Never got in trouble ever in school either. I caught him using after that and continued to take him. So far as I know, he hasn’t been using.
(drug testing, etc).
His father physically and emotionally abused me. (reason for divorce). He has the typical abuser characteristics, (carrot dangler, master manipulator, etc).
I found out that my son visited him recently, and got $ from him;
My son lied and told him he used that money to pay his car insurance. He lied to me and told me he found $20 and gave it to me and he kept the other $140. He also emailed his father and told him I was “up in arms” that he moved back to our area, and that I would make his life “hell” if I knew he was seeing him. I was devasted by this. I always told my son it was his decision.
I am annoyed and hurt that he lied to his father about the money and me. Why would he do this? I stood by his side helping him for the 2 years he was neglected. I made him come clean with his father and tell him that the money wasn’t used for the insurance. Now my son tells me that he had a plan to use his father and hurt him. What do I believe?
I think my son is backpeddling. Why would he diss me with lies? To look good for his father ? He also told me his father ignored him when he walked in the house. My son was sitting on the couch with his grandmother when my ex walked in. My son said he just looked over and said”Look who it is” and walked upstairs. No hugs, nothing.
Isn’t ignoring your child for 2 years for no good reason abuse? Last comment kind of irritated me.

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT about, question, year

Comments

Written by olderbutwiser about 1 year ago.

I get NO pleasure in saying this, but your son is a liar. He lies to you. He lies to his Dad. I would have a talk with your son, and ask him not to lie to you…..even if the truth hurts, always to be honest with you. The first thing I would do is check the people he hangs around with. Your son has some BAD friends, and they’re causing him to do things he was NOT raised to do. Try to get him involved with a better group of friends. Good Luck, Mom!
Written by H about 1 year ago.

Clearly your son has a great deal of re pressed anger towards his father. His father choose the worse possible time in a young man life to abandon him.

Teenager boys are trying to define their manhood during those years and his father wasn’t there to help him through it.

You will probably see this many times as an answer to your questions, but you, your son and his father need to spend time in family counseling.

The dynamics of your family are to complex for most of us to understand and seeking professional help is really trhe best way to go.

I wish you and your son the best
Written by joker about 1 year ago.

Boot his ass out the door. He is old enough to realize a lie from the truth. This kid is playing you both with no conscience. I came from a good family and tried pot and booze in my teen years too. Settle down, your son is NO addict, just a young man sowing wild oats. he isn’t going to listen to you or his father until he is ready and no ammount of coddling is going to change him. By the way, I am now 53 and have 5 grand kids. No , Pot and booze didn’t deform or hurt me. Take a chill pill Mommy, your son is a Generation X Brat and this is the product.
Written by DTap about 1 year ago.

your son is just hurting from all this and is trying to be nice to his father to get money from him to buy his weed probabley…its really hard for a kid to go through and they deal with it in different ways…keep close with ur son and let him know u care and that u just want things to be ok and he can choose on how he wants things to be just not to choose drugs….your son will make the right decisions just guide him and make sure he stays on track with his life..dotn be to hard on him though if he does something u disagree with
Written by ♥randa♥ about 1 year ago.

om sorry you are both going through so much trouble. im not quite sure what your question is, but the best way to help your son is to firmly love him. his father was not there for him, so he obviously feels animosity. does the fathers return make you think he wants to reconcile with his son? talk to him about it and tell him everyting that you know about your son if that is the case. have him help you to put your son back on the straight and narrow. therapy, religion, or just plain family time. whatever you believe in most will help your son the most. dont let him use you, punish him for what he does wrong, and always tell him that you love him. he might not come back directly, but at least he will know his boundaries.

good luck
Written by OMG about 1 year ago.

I think you need professional help to deal with this situation. You have been trying to do your best BY YOURSELF for too long now. I hope everything turns out for the best for you and for you son.

PS:Remember that at this age most of us did A LOT of stupid things, and later turned out to be responsible adults!
Written by jchocs about 1 year ago.

Wow pretty complex.

Well its natural for him to want some kind of relationship with his father. He is 17 and should left alone to make that decision on his own.

I have a bunch of friends that have gotten caught smoking or drinking and played the sympathy role, and it seems that it especially worked on divorced parents. I’m not saying that he is doing this with you, but it is a possibility and is something that teens naturally do. He still may think about these things though, even if they do not bother him like he said.

The major issue here is to trust your son. Maybe he really was just trying to get some money out of his dad or maybe he had other motives, but you will honestly never really know. This is why trust is the most important issue. If you say he is smart and has always been a good student and son, you may want to give him a little leeway and put your good parental upbringing to a test. You should still talk to him and make sure that everything is going ok, but just a little cut of the strings will do you both some good. Good Luck.
Written by satin3904 about 1 year ago.

Obviously your son is very angry and hurt and at his age, he doesn’t know how to diffuse it, so he is playing games.
I realize that talking to his father may be the last thing you want to do but for the sake of your son you may have to. Ask him to join you at a restaurant if you don’t trust him and try coming up with a way of working together to benefit your son. If that doesn’t work because your ex may be using this as a way of getting back at you, you will have to be the bad guy(girl) in all of this and put your foot down or up somebody’s ass.
Written by lawbudtab about 1 year ago.

Your 17 yr old is going to have to figure out for hisself who his father really is. You can tell him all the horror stories, hell he can even remember on his own all the bad stuff, but he still has to come to his own conclusion. Even children that are severely abused love their parents. I wouldn’t worry about whether or not he has lied to his father, that is their deal. They have to set their own parameters. You have no control in that area. I would confront him about lying to you, but that would be it. He probably doesn’t know all of his motivations with his father right now. I would hate to deal with all the feelings he must be experiencing right now! Just be the anchor in the storm right now. Don’t offer biased opinions on his father, even though they are true. Just be someone for your son to talk to when things fall through with his father. Keep your rules the same in your relationship with your boy. Such as you will not disrespect me in my house, or you will not do drugs and continue to have full reins. Forget about the ex. You can’t control a damn thing in that area. The only thing you can control is your household. Good luck!
Written by jeangirl about 1 year ago.

If he’s using still – send him to Teen Challenge or something….somewhere where he can get on the straight and narrow in every aspect of his life…….

if you don’t do something quick – this is how he’s going to live his life…..and you’ll be right in the middle of it again and will probably have to “divorce” your son!
Written by just being helpful about 1 year ago.

I’m sorry to say but sometimes this is the draw back of divorce. Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is good enough in the eyes of my son. We went through a couple of years after the divorce, ex lived with his parents, when the ex would pick the kids up for the weekend and leave the kids with his mother while he went out and partied. When he got remarried he settled down and the kids got to spend more time with him. Now my son thinks if he does or says anything to offend his dad that dad will not want to see him anymore. I’ve also noticed he will do anything he can to please his stepdad, yet, he does anything within his power to be disrespectful to his stepmom, his dad’s mother, and myself. Like we are evil.
I think he knows that his grandmother and I have been and will always be there and he’s taking his frustrations out on us. He feels like the men will not be there if he does something to offend them.
Written by American Beauty about 1 year ago.

Your son is pitting you and your ex husband against one another and you need to stop playing this game with him. He is old enough to interact with his father, without your intervention. If his father gives him money and he misuses it, let his father deal with it. You also need to stop bad-mouthing his father. The man was physically and emotionally abusive to you, so you divorced him (which is no more than you should have done). It has nothing to do with the relationship between the boy and his father, so don’t let it influence your son’s behavior.
Written by Go GO Ressa about 1 year ago.

Boys have the toughest time when the father is absent and it’s the mothers that have to pick up the pieces and they will lie on you to the very person that is causing the hurt. My son is 16 and going through the same thing. I did something about it before it got out of hand. If he doesn’t get love from the father, the street is waiting to take him in. You are doing the right thing in keeping control of his ever move. You need to take him to therapy also. my son is just now expressing that all the anger that he feel for his dad and says it have to die, because he will get his in due season. We are close again and he thank me for sending him to camp. He was failing school, getting high, selling drugs, running away from home and hanging around the wrong people. My son is a straight A student easy and his grades looked like crap. Get him some help and do it fast. It is possible that was trying to use his dad to get even and they know that all they have to do is talk bad about you to the dad and he will get whatever he want. Stay on his butt. His room is not his private place, you’ll be surprise what he could stash in his room. Good luck and try not to take it to your heart, one day he will say thanks for your love.

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

I have a question about my 17 year old son?

Comments

Recent Posts

Categories

Tags