Husband doesn’t want me to tell son about birth father and I don’t agree, would you?

25/02/2011 admin 12 comments

I have a five year old son. His biological father died when he was barely a year old from an alcohol induced accident. His father was an alcoholic, didn’t do anything with him or for him and only pretended to be the model father in front of family and friends. He was also very verbally abusive. I have tried over the years to keep in contact with his side of the family and I get a Christmas card if I am lucky. His own Grandmother, who begged me to stay with her after he passed, makes no attempts to keep in touch with him. The last time I called all of them they all told me that they couldn’t afford the long distance phone bills, so I would have to call them if I wanted to talk to them. My current husband is the only father my son has known or even remembers. I have shown him pictures on regular occasions of his biological father, but he still says it’s Daddy and points to my husband. I understand it still may be too early for him to comprehend the situation, but this is where my dilemma comes in. My husband doesn’t want me to ever tell my son about his birth father. I don’t know if it’s because he is worried about him looking at him differently or one day walking away to try and be close to his biological family. I told my husband that one day I was going to explain to him what happened and talk to him about his biological father, even though he wasn’t the best person in the world. He is upset and thinks I should never bring it up to my son. I have always planned on telling my son because he is his birth father. Can a few people leave their thoughts for me, serious thoughts please, and let me know if they think I am wrong for my reasoning?

QUESTIONS ABOUT SON'S ALCOHOLISM about, agree, birth, doesnt, don't, father., husband, tell, want, would

Comments

Written by Trisha about 1 year ago.

At the age of 5,no. I would wait till he’s atleast 12 or 13
Written by Rian T about 1 year ago.

Tell him when he understands. Your husband can’t undo knowledge, so he’ll have to suck it up.
Written by notyou311 about 1 year ago.

It is a big mistake to lie to the child. He will have serious problems when he finds out.
Written by mureljean.alvarez about 1 year ago.

I’m 48,I and nobody ever told me about my real dad,I found out threw other people,I was so mad my mom never took the time 2 tell me,c the picture,if u don’t tell him when u think he can really understand it,he may grow up 2 hate u like I did my mom,it was my right 2 no,like it’s your son’s right 2 no.
Written by Infiniti about 1 year ago.

No I do not think you are wrong at all. I think one day your son does have a right to know. If he finds out some other way he may be upset with you for never telling him. I don’t think he would look at your husband any differently because that is his dad regardless. Your husband has to understand that your son should know one day maybe not now but in a few years.
Written by Ghostwriter1959 about 1 year ago.

I am going to answer you from personal knowledge I am adopted. It is my mom and step dad, my biological father I had never known. My step dad loves me, raised me as his own, and has cared about me more then my bio father ever could. Even my step dad’s side of the family treats me better then the bio father’s side ever could.

I grew up calling my step dad my dad, he has been the only one I’ve ever really known. When I was around 14 my mom and he had set me down to explain everything to me. The reason being prior to that he had wanted to adopt me but wanted it to be my choice too about changing my name. I had no hate, no resentment, or anger to either of them. As far as I was concerned my step dad was my dad and to this day still is. The sperm donor who gave me birth was never a father let alone a dad.

Your husband loves and cares for your son deeply. Since none of the biological side of the family seem to care and his bio father is dead, none of them seem to care much about your son, why would you want to even bring it up? If it were me and my partner loved my child that much, I would allow him to adopt my son or daughter and make that name change legal. It would change the birth certificate as well so that your husband’s name would then be listed as father. So what if the sperm didn’t come from him, that doesn’t mean he’s not a dad!

I would forget about the bio father, no need to keep bringing that up. Personally why would you want him to know that side of the family any way if he was an alcoholic, dead, and none of them care about your son? To me they are nothing but “Distant relatives” and nothing more.

Just my opinion as an adopted child and one who has adopted myself.
Written by TAG about 1 year ago.

Knowing he is the son of an abusive alcoholic is going to improve his quality of life how? oh and while your on a roll make sure to tell your little boy that his real daddy didn’t do anything for or with him either so he knows he basically didn’t want him anyway or to that the cost of a postage stamp is way out of the budget for his dads family so they cant send cards or letters and then you could finish it all off with so son you come from a family of abusive drunk loosers and I know you will thank me for telling you all this later in your life.
Written by Ghost Mutt about 1 year ago.

You cant keep the truth from him forever, your son wont feel any differently towards your husband, but he may start to question you if he notices that he has no physical similarities to your husband. I dont think its too young, he will understand it eventually, but i dont suggest springing it on him all of a sudden when he is older, tell him now and keep telling him that his daddy isnt his biological father. Then when he understands you dont need to tell him.
Written by mr pickle about 1 year ago.

Lady, what are you trying to prove? Sharing the pictures of his bio dad is like a slap to his “now” dad. The key in the later years is for your son to make the choice on his own. You got some fascination with all this? OMG, you don’t really introduce your son to people by his name and then add, he is adopted. Do you? Trying to have and win an argument that may or may not happen in 15-20 years is ludicrous. Lady? give it up and be a mother and wife. I am expecting your husband will have the opportunity to read your responses to your asinine question.
Written by needlewings about 1 year ago.

I can understand your thoughts and your husband’s. It’s really a hard one, as it can go both ways. If you tell him while he is young, I feel he may accept it better, but when he is older, it can be used against the husband epecially as a rebellious teenager. If you don’t ever say anything at all and there becomes some medical issues or conditions you need to talk about, then it will hit like a ton of bricks too. It would be like, you have kept this secret all of these years? Why didn’t you tell me? I think if it were me, I would be way more upset as I got older that you never said anything. My ex husband’s dad was killed in an accident when he was 4. His step dad is the only one he really remembers, Although he was told about his biological father when he was younger. He always had a great relationship with his step dad.
Written by emtb9 about 1 year ago.

This is a tough question, first your husband may not want you to tell him, in fear that the little boy will look at him differently, and not as “daddy” anymore. I think at some point in his life, you need to tell him, but I don’t think right now would be a good time to do that. I’d just explain to your husband that no matter what, he will always be his daddy, you just really want your son to know about the other side of the family. Good luck!
Written by Nikki about 1 year ago.

U should def tell ur son about his father. He has a right 2 know, if ur husband doesn’t like well then 2 bad. The only thing he can do in the meantime is be there 4 him. U should hold off on telling him until he’s like 18 or so. Maybe even earlier like 16 this way hell be able 2 understand more

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

Husband doesn’t want me to tell son about birth father and I don’t agree, would you?

Comments

Recent Posts

Categories

Tags