How to deal with an alcoholic husband?

09/01/2011 admin 35 comments

My husband is an alcoholic. He has a long family history of it as well. Our one year anniversary is this Friday and we have a 10 month old son together.

He and I have had an awful year financially and with his drinking. He was even convicted of a DWI this year and is now on probation. We have gone through the “I’m quiting for goods” and all that. He may quit for a little bit or cut down but he then assumes that since he’s capable of doing that, that he doesn’t have a problem. He thinks he can “control” it.

I can’t live like this anymore. It is destroying me and I am an absolute mess. I am a Christian and believe that He will guide me. I believe in what marriage stands for. I feel like I would be lost without him. Things were actually ok the majority of December mainly because he was sick for like 2 weeks and didn’t want to drink. But we baptized our son (I got to church reguarly, he doesn’t ) last Sunday and when I stood up there and made a vow to raise my baby in a Christian home, it hit me. We aren’t raising him that way. Daddy drinks and Mommy fights with him, that’s unhealthy and I don’t want to teach my son that that is what a family is supposed to be.

On New Year’s he said he wanted 2 beers and then we would spend the evening together eating and all that. He wen outside on the porch and drank and smoked cigars while I stayed inside and cooked, fed and bathed the baby. He came in and told me that he missed how we used to sit outside together and drink and talk. He said he wanted to get me a bottle of wine ( I haven’t really drank since before I was pregnant) and I said no. He insisted and I told him that I knew he really just wanted to get more alcohol for himself. He said yeah he wanted a few more beers. And I said I didn’t want a six pack in my house. He assured me there would not be. I then told him that included liquor and he laughed. He said he wanted a tiny bottle of jager (I assumed a small shot-like bottle) I tried to resist but I said fine.

He comes back with a small bottle of jager but big enough to get him wasted & 4 beers. I already knew this was gonna turn into a nightmare. I put baby to sleep and when he drinks he likes to talk on the phone. So, we spent maybe 30 min just talking to eachother (not what he said he wanted). We start talking about his ex-wife and the mess she’s in with her bf and I’m like I don’t want to talk about this anymore. He then calls her husband (yes she’s still married and has a bf, not a class act) and talks to him about her. And I get mad. I’m like why did I agree to all this to watch you drunk dial all night? He gets off the phone and it’s close to midnight. He comes in the kitchen and tells me he loves me and that we’re fine and I asked him to eat dinner and sober up bc it was almost midnight. He went outside and said Ok. The next thing I know his 21 yr old nephew calls him and tells him he’s here and he leaves me 15 min before midnight. I was beyond devasted and couldn’t believe I try to give him some rope and he does this to me. Baby heard me crying and woke up so I rocked him back to sleep at midnight crying my eyes out.

I told him yesterday, I am done with the alcohol. I want it OUT of my house and life forever. I gave a vow to raise my baby in a Christian home and that is what is going to happen. I told him he could decide from there what he wanted to do. He came home and acted like everything was ok, trying to hug me and all that. And I was like, “Well, what are you going to do?” He got annoyed and I really didn’t care. Then he said “I need to stop, it’s getting out of hand” And then I was like, “You LEFT me on New Year’s and it hurt.” and he apologized and said he loved me.

Today, I asked him to go to church and he said no. I feel like if he was sincere in making this change he would’ve gone. We fought after I got back from church because he’s blaming me for the whole other night. He said I picked a fight with him about being on the phone and that’s why he left. Which is BS. Alcoholics leave because they run out of alcohol, which he had, AND as I said we were fine (or so I thought) right before he left. I’m so hurt by this whole thing. He said he is quitting and I’m afraid to get close to him again and be loving if he’s going to drink like this again because the pain of him leaving I know is going to be close to unbearable. I love him with all my heart, I’ve gone to Al-Anon, and I’m trying to cope with this. But he HAS to quit, or my baby will pay the price. I just don’t know how to believe him, I feel stupid.
I apologize for the long question. Clearly, I am in a lot of pain. And I think it’s funny those of you who wrote rude comments are on the religion section. Not very Christian-like. God Bless you all.
He said in Nov. he would go to AA and that never happened. Later, he said it was to “appease” me. And no, he was not like this when I met him. It escalated after our financial situation got worse.

QUESTIONS ABOUT SON'S ALCOHOLISM alcoholic, deal, husband

Comments

Written by Beautiful Betsy aka God about 1 year ago.

Stop typing essays on YA and get him some help. Alcoholics Anonymous, therapy, whatever. Stop wasting your time here.
Written by Fireball about 1 year ago.

leave and get another place to live…begin separation..
Written by A Canadian Atheist about 1 year ago.

Too long to read, no one cares.
Just dump the moron, you’ll be FAR happier.
Written by ladyren about 1 year ago.

Doesn’t this belong in Marriage and (maybe) divorce?

PS…walls of typing rarely get anyone to read.

Just a little hint? Didn’t he come this way to your marriage? Didn’t you already know that he had an addiction problem?

Then the question becomes, “Why did you have a child with this idiot?”

It isn’t him, hon, it’s you.

Think about it.
Written by Nicky about 1 year ago.

please leave him. it willonly get worse. and its not fair to the baby
Written by Dr.Troll about 1 year ago.

your options:
1) Counseling
2) Leave him
3) don’t do anything
Written by Sir Big Fat Wombat about 1 year ago.

You said it all…..”I can’t live like this anymore. “. He chose the bottle and he isn’t gonna let go of it.
Get a divorce, send him packing, while you still have some life left. You’ll find a good guy and your
baby will be much better off too. He is no good, period.
Written by Internet for God about 1 year ago.

Wow. I don’t know what to say. Where would you go if you decided to leave?
Written by cynic32 about 1 year ago.

Dump his @ss and find another husband, one who may be boring but stable, before your child is old enough to know what is happening. Stability and dependability are the most important thing in the life of that child. That child will be messed up if you continue on with this man.
Written by Mamaof4 about 1 year ago.

Leave. You said after how many paragraphs….”he has to quit or my baby will pay the price.” Your brain should have clicked at that moment. You are risking your child’s life by staying. Trust me. I have NEVER used drugs in my life, and thought my daughter was safe from being taken from me after her dad exposed her to crack cocaine. WRONG. She spent 6 weeks in foster care, despite the fact I tested negative in every drug test. Why? You are the mother, and social services’ view is that YOU bear responsibility for the safety of your child, and that includes having them in a household where these types of things go on.

Leave. You are damaging your child more than you know by being stressed, by the child observing this and by enabling your husband.
Written by I love ❤ALLAH❤ about 1 year ago.

Be a Muslim and tell him to join you, only with Islam, all of you will be happy, as Islam prohibits its followers to drink alchohol and God knows what is best for all of us in this world:

They ask thee concerning wine and gambling. Say: “In them is great sin, and some profit, for men; but the sin is greater than the profit.” Quran

http://www.watchislam.com/tv6/

May God guide us always to His straight path with blessings and happiness in this world.
Written by Smoke about 1 year ago.

read the chapter “to the wives” from the AA big book.

i read only the last little bit of your post. saying he HAS to quit is not going to work. you can not live and die by what he does. trying to enforce things on him will probably have the opposite effect. love him either way, but it may be best to get out of the situation if you can not accept things either way.
Written by Foremost authority about 1 year ago.

If he won’t join a twelve step group and get help quiting, he has no intention of quiting.
Think about getting out of that relationship, you probably can’t win.
Written by Shelby about 1 year ago.

maybe think about a divorce. i know it would be hard, but unless he sobers up, your not going to be happy and thats not fair. its also not fair to your baby. he doesnt deserve an alcoholic father and a sad mother.
Written by Remy about 1 year ago.

When he is isn’t drunk, my advice to you is to talk to him. Tell him if he doesn’t stop, you’re leaving no ifs ands or buts. And tell him if he doesn’t go to therapy, AA or something that helps people stop drinking, then you’re leaving. Stick to your word. When you say you’re leaving, really leave. Don’t just use it as an empty threat because then he’ll keep drinking and know that you’ll stay with him. If he refuses to seek help, get out of that house or kick him out for your sake as well as the baby’s. Don’t get close to him until he quit drinking for good.
Written by Mrcannastand Ijits about 1 year ago.

I skipped most of your post. Girl … I’ve seen it … too many times already. There isn’t anything you could be going through that would shock me. I’ve seen the worst this world has to offer … don’t ask hypocrites to explain sin to you. Always amused me how religious people preach about sin and have never seen it up close like I have.

I’ve seen pretty much every sin in the world up close and personal. As such listen to life experience eh ?

Leave him …. your god helps those who help themselves. Which is a nice way of saying god is a joke. You’re on your own. If ye need something done. Then you better not sit around waiting for god to do it for you. Though in the interests of being honest. Many xians are good and caring people. Who may be willing to offer you some help in the process.

But your hubby will probably never help himself. Life can be very cruel. Many people hurt the one’s closest to them the most. Even if they truly care about them. Why ???? Because they are the one’s who are around them.

Don’t expect some miracle … start planning on leaving him and getting away from the guy. If that includes any help a church is willing to offer. Or the cops ( though makes me sick telling somebody that. ) ummm the cops. Restraining orders … court rulings that limit his access to you or your child and child support rulings are all part of the game.

update: If you have family you can fall back on … then go to them for help. That’s what family is supposed to do for each other. Also many of the priests in the xian cult … will tell you marriage is forever … You should try to work it out. That’s insane … in 99.9% of cases … so , yeah.
Written by Elf Ears about 1 year ago.

I read all you wrote. You sound sincere and I really feel for you. He needs professional help and you need to be strong – I mean you may have to start thinking about leaving this person (or get him away from the house).

It’s not a good start to a long-term relationship.

Good luck.
Written by roy about 1 year ago.

Didn’t read everything but, you are under no obligation to remain in the same house if you feel your life is endangered. The bible tells you so.
Written by Shae about 1 year ago.

You need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that it’s you or the booze, and if he chooses the alcohol you need to make good on your threat to leave; even if only temporarily; let him think about what is important to him, most men would choose their family. You must know that drunkards will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Get him to attend an AA meeting or counseling. Alcoholism is an addiction, and giving up the glass can be a hard burden. The most important thing you can do is to make him realize that his drinking is hurting you immensely! And that you child should not have to grow up with a drunk as a father, it’s never a happy way to be raised.

In Christ’s eternal love. May He come to your rescue!!
Written by Magick Kitty about 1 year ago.

he won’t change until HE wants to change. you will never change him.

if you won’t leave for yourself, think of your child. don’t be selfish.
Written by Reconstitute America about 1 year ago.

Desperate situations require taking desperate measures. You need to leave and go to your mom and dad’s and tell him when he gets help and gets off the booze you will consider coming back. Some people will not change until they lose what is important to them. If you and his child are important to him then he will change.
Written by Brian Melendez about 1 year ago.

Believe me religion wont help you in this one, my dad was an alcoholic and religion did not help in any way. You should get professional help.
BTW – The first step is getting him to admit that he is no capable of controlling it like he says. Believe me put religion aside in this one.
Written by Thomas about 1 year ago.

For the good of your sanity and for the baby, I think it’s time to move out. I wished my mom would have left my dad. She didn’t do me any favors by staying with my alcoholic dad. I think it only going to get worst. You might need to stay with a relative or find a underground shelter for women to get away. It would be helpful if you have some money stashed away. You already did give him an ultimatum?

These are drastic measures, so think it over.
Written by IraqOut about 1 year ago.

If you are driving down a busy highway, would you switch lanes and drive towards oncoming traffic? It could work. You might not hit any other cars; it just isn’t very likely. You could also choose to believe this guy and hope things work out and they might. It just isn’t very likely.

You know what you gotta do, and you know your baby means that doing the right thing isn’t just for you. Do you have the right to keep that child in the wrong lane, just because you are uncomfortable with the temporary pain of the break up? Not to trivialize, of course this will be hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Written by Coocoo Cocopuffs about 1 year ago.

leave
go live with your mother I’m sure she will love having the baby and you safe with her.
stick with al-anon
and
I hope you have a happy life with your little one

God Bless
and
Peace in Christ
Written by Warrior4Christ about 1 year ago.

I completely understand where you’re coming from because my husband used to be addicted to cocaine and oxy contin. I couldn’t quiet figure out WHY I couldn’t leave him, but I truly believe God placed me in his life to “save him.” He has been clean and sober for 4 years now and has a good relationship with our Lord. I said that to say, it is up to you and only you if you decide to stay with him. My personal opinion would be leave, because you guys have a baby. Fortunately, my husband and I had no children involved and that made everything a lot easier. But you’re right in saying your child will pay the price. Pray to God for strength and wisdom to make the right decision. And also, it isn’t wrong to divorce him in God’s eyes because he is potentially hurting your relationship (and your baby’s) with Him if that is something your worried about. I understand it is hard to leave someone you love especially having a child together and ultimately it’s up to you. I pray that you get your answer soon enough. Just keep strong, and don’t lose your faith in the good Lord above because He said “I will never leave you, or forsake you” and He stands true to that. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck and God Bless!
Written by krazyabouthim about 1 year ago.

Pray and ask Jesus to help. Once you ask/pray it will be started. Somethings take time, but it is in the works once you ask Jesus to help or do it.
bless you.

Know this about prayer, it is a three step process. God likes the number three.
1. We pray or ask God for help/something. In Jesus’ name.
2. God prepares us to handle this so once we get it we will not fail with it. So God teaches us how to handle what we ask for. God is good, so he prepares us and then gives it. How great is that?
3. God gives us what we asked for.
Many ask and while #2 is happening they give up. So they do not get to #3.
So try praying again, now that you know how it works. And the more you ask for, the longer it usually takes to prepare you for it.
Written by †BaptistGirl† about 1 year ago.

just please ignore all the BS on r/s because most people here are kids, i found that out a while back, listen to me now i will tell you a few thing about your situation. you may not like what iam going to say but this is my opinion, alcoholics are ”sick” and they need help yes we know, anyone married to an alcoholic should not be in silence about this, they should speak to as many people in they’re familys and church as they can, it’s something you shouldn’t have to deal with alone. but i do not recommend divorce, god will not allow you to go through anything on this earth that you cannot handle. you need to put a little more trust in god, yes you are hurt and you should be, yes he is sick and this is clear as day, but you BOTH need christian friends, seek out help from church members and maybe even bring them home with you to pray with him. if he does not like that then just pray about it, because i think prayer is under estimated i know for a fact god is real and he listens. but bottom line is that this is your husband, you both took vows before god, divorce unless fornication should not be any option. talk to god about your problems and continue to trust he will heal husband. but unless your husband wants healing it’s nothing you or anyone can do about that, he is in control of his own personal relationship with god and no one can touch that. so just keep surrounding your child with church, jesus is what you all need at this time. this is a bad time in your life but i know you and your husband can make it through this, it’s a alcoholic demon that is lurking around some where but he can be taken down, just trust god.

p.s if he starts being abusive you need to take your child and get away from him, go to your friends house, get a small apartment, go to familys, just get away. but he is still your husband, pray that soon god turns everything around but i would stay married to my husband unless he cheats on me, but in any abusive/ drug abuse situation i would leave the home but stay married but pray about it untill sun up sun down.
Written by byHisgrace about 1 year ago.

I can certainly relate to your post since I’ve been on both sides of the issue. I used to be an alcoholic, and my husband and I drank together all the time. (that’s how we met, btw. sad, but true). We had two children, and I stopped drinking. He didn’t. He kept wanting me to drink with him all the time, but I refused. He got really plastered when he drank, and I couldn’t stand him. Our marriage was horrible and yes, the kids suffered for it.
I’ll tell you what changed. I couldn’t deal with it on my own, so I turned to the Lord for help. I gave it over to Him. Because He is big enough. I’m not. I fell to my knees and I was saved that day. I prayed to the Lord to open my husband’s eyes. I packed my bags and the kids’ things. I called my sister who lived out of state and asked her to come get us. I slept on the couch that night. My husband came to me and said he was sorry. I believed him, so I decided to stay. It didn’t last. He still kept going out with people he worked with and drank. My kids saw him violenty sick from drinking and I had enough and left him. This happened a couple of times, but since then, he has been saved also. He no longer drinks and our kids are grown. It was only through the Lord that our marriage was saved. We attended church together and were baptized together.
Dear, I can tell you are in pain, because I know that pain. I’m sorry for the rudeness of others. They don’t understand that you are a Christian, so you go to other Christians for help. And that is what you SHOULD do. So, I would talk to a pastor about this. Marriage is a covenant between you and God and your husband. You both have to take it seriously. I can tell you are, but it has to be both of you. Unless your husband humbles himself before the Lord, he isn’t going to change. Jesus can change him, though. Please don’t give up, but please don’t stay there if this is affecting you and your child and keeping you from God. Get some Christian advice other than on this site. Too many negative people and you will only be confused. God bless you and I will pray for you and your marriage. So sorry you are hurting.

Please remember this though: “Whomever the Son sets free, is free indeed!”
People say, “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic” But that is not true with JESUS! Through Jesus, I was CURED of alcoholism. I am no longer an alcoholic! With Him, there is always HOPE! God bless
Written by andrew a about 1 year ago.

Sorry to hear about the situation. Unless he admits he has a problem (alcohol is a problem ) he will be running around in never ending circle. The church I attend , is starting a program this coming Friday which I will be helping with called reformers unanimous (they try to bring people with addictions to the Lord) AA has a 2% success rate- Reformers have a 70% success rate. Here is their web site http://www.reformu.com/ they Can help you and if they have a place in your area see if he can attend. My prayers will be with you two. Remember Proverbs 15:1 ” A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Take Care
Written by SJReality about 1 year ago.

Do you really think God would allow you to marry this man if it was NOT what God wanted? You think God would lead you astray and let you marry a man that would make your life miserable? You don’t think God has a reason for bringing this man into your life? Do you really think God would let you have a child with this man if the relationship was not meant to last?

You made a PROMISE to God when you said your marriage vows…you promised to see the marriage through in good times and in BAD times. Yet here you are about to break a promise to God as though it was a promise made to a rock. Shame on you. Turn in your Bible since it is clear you no longer have any faith in God, stop pretending to be a Christian which you clearly are doing since your promise made to God is so simple and easy for you to spit on.

And people wonder why there is a 50% divorce rate amonst Christians…it is because they are NOT Christians. A Christian takes their vows made before God seriously, A Christian puts their FAITH and TRUST in God to lead them through lifes good times and bad times. You don’t just dump on God the first hint that bad times are coming…that is the influence of Satan in your life.

So you go right ahead and give up on your husband, divorce him…but please stop pretending like you are Christian who can point out un-Christian like behavior in others while engaging in un-Christian like behavior. Or do you think breaking promises to God or lying to God is Christian like?

Giving up on your marriage means you give up on God…simple as that.
Written by Follower of Jesus Christ about 1 year ago.

I feel for you, sister. Be sure to pray to God regularly about this. Ask Him to change him. And if he ever cheats on you or physically hits you, then you should divorce him; smoking and drinking isn’t spiritual grounds for divorce. I hope this all works out for you.

God bless!
Written by carl about 1 year ago.

Counseling is the best option here. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is an organization that was actually started by Christians. The problem is that he is addicted to the alcohol. That means he will be able to rationalize his drinking to himself regardless of how it is hurting others. You have to think of him as having a sickness and he needs your help. To love others is to work for their best. And the best for you husband is to be in heaven with his family some day. Right now the alcohol is acting as a barrier to a fuller relationship with God and with his family.

If you husband does not want to change then there is not much you can do except pray for him. He first has to recognize that it is a problem. And counseling should help with that. You should see a counselor as well to help you cope and to determine how best to help you and your husband. A marriage counselor would also be a good idea.

Because alcohol is so addictive to your husband it is probably best that he quits drinking altogether. Because every time he has some it feeds into his addiction. He isn’t fooling anyone except himself.
Written by kj7gs about 1 year ago.

Well, from a Christian standpoint, I think you’re seeing the power of covenants and being held to them in your marriage. Interesting that only Christians have any logical reason for fighting for their marriages, and you’re showing that, although being unequally yoked, you’re taking the high road with doing your best to keep the covenant intact. Your husband doesn’t seem to hold the same viewpoint about his role in the marriage.

Your pastor is licensed for counseling. Make an appointment and see him, but check with the church secretary first. Chances are she’s had some counseling of her own (she works with him after all), and will be able to tell you if he’s any good at it or not. You’ll be laying out your options, and he’ll help you decide which is the best one, or offer options that might also work for you. If he can’t help you, it’s his job to schmooze with the congregation and community and know who’s who for helping you. Good luck.
Written by Hogie about 1 year ago.

Your husband just keeps lying to you, and telling you what you want to believe.

You are not required by God to stay in such a marriage. Paul covers this issue. We are called to peace. You don’t have to put up with this.

You may indeed truly love him, but he does not love you. He will lie to you over and over again.

Time to get out of denial.

For your sake, and the sake of the baby.

Have you asked his ex wife if he ever physically abused her?

1 Corinthians 6:9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

He refused to go to church. What a surprise.

Galatians 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

From what you have described, he is not interested in changing. He is not interested in repenting; turning to God. He is quite happy in his lifestyle of sin and degradation.

.

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How to deal with an alcoholic husband?

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