How to deal with a unemployed, broke, alcoholic brother?

26/12/2010 admin 5 comments

I’m a widowed single mom who’s worked hard to provide a good home to my son. I’ve had to save up for everything and live in a small townhome and work hard at my job. Life is finally stable for me and my son and I’m making decent money and things are good. I’ve survived the loss of my husband and entire family – all except one brother. That brother has always been an abusive alcoholic (he’s 9 years older than me). He quit his job over a year ago and has done nothing but sit around and drink beer and become severely depressed. He couldn’t find a job and gave up by saying his doctor diagnosed him with lung cancer so that’s why he can’t work. He says he gets tired easily and can’t breathe. The doctor/cancer excuse is a total lie – I called his doctor and he said he never ‘diagnosed him with anything” just told him to quit smoking. My brother has no money left, his house is going to be foreclosed on – he’s destitute. I cannot let him move in with me and turn my life into hell. When he drinks he’s abusive and beligerant. He’s a full blown alcoholic and he lies about everything to the point I don’t believe anything he says. My question is .. I can’t help him, take care of him or allow him to move in with me. I’m his only family member. How do I tell him “NO, you’ll have to go live under a bridge because I’m not taking care of you or letting you move in with me”. I have no sympathy for him because he brought this on himself by doing absolutely nothing for over a year but feel sorry for himself and get drunk. He’s lost it all and expects me to rescue him. I can’t give up everything I’ve worked so hard for – I’ve finally got my life stable for me and my son. Am I being cruel to turn my back on him? He really did me wrong many times and he turned his back on me ALOT. When I was widowed with a new baby – he did nothing to help me. All these years I’ve survived and raise my son alone with no help from anyone. He kicked me when I was down many times so it’s hard for me to have any sympathy for a lazy, self centered drunk brother. He’s got a neighbor feeling sorry for him and feeding him and she keeps calling me to tell me how he’s such a good guy and he needs help. I want to tell her to mind her own business – I don’t know this lady and how dare she call me telling me to come take care of him. He’s 55 years old, divorced with no children and he can’t do a damn thing for himself except sit and drink and lose everything he owns because he’s lazy and wants everyone to think he’s dying of cancer. How do I turn my back on my own brother without feeling guilty and being manipulated?

QUESTIONS ABOUT SON'S ALCOHOLISM alcoholic, Broke, brother, deal, unemployed

Comments

Written by lost about 1 year ago.

Dont you dare rescue him and make your life and sons life miserable this brother of yours made his choices and he can go to a homeless shelter maybe if he drys out he will straighten up make sure your home is always locked up I know you feel guilty but dont do it you know its wrong and he is a abusive tells his neighbor she needs to take care of him you stick to your guns and I mean it and dont answer this ladys phone calls
Written by Mtn girl 48 about 1 year ago.

Just tell him to go live under a bridge if he doesn’t want to get a job, It is not your responsibility to take care of him. You can still love him. But you are not required to take care of him or put up with his alcoholic sh&t.
Written by Lulu about 1 year ago.

First, sweetie, I think you need to politely tell your neighbor that you’d rather not be your brothers enabler, but she’s welcome to enable him to continue living as a leech if she wants. Say that you don’t want to discuss him any more, and that’s that. If she insists, tell her you have to go and hang up. You owe her NO explanation.

Second, your brother has made his own bed. Please don’t let him destroy what happiness you have carved out for yourself and your son by trying to save him from himself. He’s a grown man.

You tell him that you love him but he’s got to take care of himself. Remind him or inform him where the Salvation Army, AA or Goodwill is located. Don’t feel guilty about not becoming his enabler. That’s not your job, and not your responsibility.

Congratulations on building a good life for yourself. Just don’t let your brother take it away from you. Refuse to be manipulated.

Take care.
Written by ToolMan about 1 year ago.

Some people can simply NOT BE HELPED at all.They either won’t accept help, refuse to admit that they have a problem at all,or just simply don’t care.From reading what you have wrote, I honestly do not believe your brother will change.He never assisted you at all, especially when you certainly could have used some (considering your husband died).
He is family, and you should wish him well and hope that he gets things turned around, but YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.He certainly has brought it on himself for the hardships he’s enduring right now.He deserves it, and needs to come out of this on his own (if he ever actually does).
People like him are unappreciative, take advantage of other people’s kindness and sympathy, and will usually never change.I can not see anything positive coming out of you helping him.He is not incompetent or helpless, though he would like others to believe that he is, and feel sorry for himself.If he is to ever change (which I don’t believe he will), he will have to hit rock-bottom (even if that means being homeless for a while).
Hopefully things will change for the better for him, but you don’t owe him anything at all, and he has clearly shown that he has done nothing to deserve anything at all from you.
Written by ProudMomof3 about 1 year ago.

Unfortunately it is his life. You can’t control what he does. He is a big boy. You may not like his choices, but they are his choices. However bad they are, they are still his to make.

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How to deal with a unemployed, broke, alcoholic brother?

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