How do I tell my first child, a son, that I I still love him, despite his troubles?

01/02/2011 admin 6 comments

…in two days (29th)… it will be his 21st birthday. *J* is furious that I became an alcoholic after my second husband (a Police Officer) was sent overseas in 2003. I (think) that I know where my son is staying. J is very unrealistic about finances.
His Stepdad , *K*, is not accepting of my wishes of seeing my son at least get a card on his birthday. K is being sent back to Iraq again. I really miss my son and at least want him to have a card. My son has been through a lot of pain (his real Dad paid NO child support), and my son also saw me have a horrible nervous breakdown. He also witnessed my own father die. J was in the car when my Dad died of his third heart attack. J was 12 at this event.
What can I do? J has been in jail three times now, all related to minor drug charges, nothing for more than 2 mos.
I know hurt he is, and he doesn’t want to see me, but at the same time, he’s my first child, and I love him no matter what.
Advice please. THX
Thank you, emt and jam, you both gave great advice.

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT child, despite, first, love, still, tell, troubles.

Comments

Written by emtb9 about 1 year ago.

Exactly the way you just did it here. No one is perfect, not mothers, fathers, children, no one. You can’t make up for old times, but you can put your foot forward and try working on the now and letting him know that you are sorry for everything that has happened, but you want to be apart of his life now. Don’t be a once a month mother if you do this, be involved, call him, see him, and most of all, let him know that you love him.
Written by jamiegrammie about 1 year ago.

wow that’s alot to deal with..with your 1st child don’t make excuses to him..write and let him know.you made mistake’s don’t try to cramp everything into 1 letter..just say you both are older hopefully wiser..his old enough to realize that not everything is set in black and white..there are a ton and i mean a ton of grey area’s.in life.just let him or any of them that your door is open..you will talk to them and tell them the truth the good the bad and the ugly..accept your part in all of this..but do not take full blame u weren’t in it alone..but first all you can do is open the door and let them know they are welcome to walk through at any time when they are ready to deal with it. they are young adults now..so you just gotta pray and let thing’s be the way they will be..trust me…when if ever the time is right they will respond..waiting is the hardest thing in the world to do..but it will be resolved in way or another one day xxooox bless you best wishes xoxoxoox
Written by papytexas about 1 year ago.

in two days(29th)..it will be his 21st birthday.*j* is furious that I become an alcoholic aft……………

Please fix the drinking first,then call back.
Good luck.
Congratulations for been close to the soldiers.
Written by elainevdb about 1 year ago.

Don’t give up… a father doesn’t understand the love a mother has for her child. My stepdad (I use the term lightly, he’s only 2 yrs older than me), tries his best to keep my mother away from us. He doesn’t understand that even though we’re all grown up, we still want our mommy! He doesn’t get that love… and he had no kids of his own.

Anyway, keep writing to your son, keep phoning him (if you have his number) and let him know you’re there and want a relationship. I am pretty sure that with time and patience he’ll come around.

I really hope you can patch things up with him. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.

Good luck hun!
Written by cloversetter about 1 year ago.

Send him a card and let him know you love him. If you could get him into treatment it would help, but we all know that nobody thinks they have a problem. Your husband just doesn’t want to understand and I’m guessing all he sees is trouble and the way J hurts you. When someone that young has been through as much as he has, they are bound have some anger issues and acts out. I really don’t know any right answer except to do what my mother did for me, and that was she loved me unconditionally, even when she didn’t like me at times and really hated the things I did. She always loved me , even when I didn’t think I deserved it. Good luck, and try to keep yourself together.
Written by now don't start that again about 1 year ago.

I’ve been on the opposite side of this coin, once upon a time. The best thing you can do for him is stay sober. Tell him you love him, and I know how much you do. He loves you too, even though It may not feel like that sometimes. As far as helping him with his addiction problem, you are the wrong person to do It. Your too close to him. I know that sounds a little cold, but It’s true. I know from personal experience. The disease took my parents, my brothers in a wheel chair, and now my sisters family is going through the wringer . I know the only thing I can do for them is pray! And prayer is no small thing. When they reach a bottom and want help, somebody, a total stranger will be their like they were for me. I was fortunate to have been able to make amends with my mother before she passed. We had 5 good years together at the end. Some al-a-non meetings may not be a bad thing for you to attend, also. Good luck and God bless you and yours !!

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How do I tell my first child, a son, that I I still love him, despite his troubles?

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