How do I deal with a step-son I don’t like?

01/05/2011 admin 17 comments

My husband and I got married 9 years ago and 8 and 1/2 years ago my step-son was dumped on us. His mother disappeared for 8 months and when she returned she didn’t want him back. My step-son was a little over 2 yrs. old at the time. When he came to live with us he was out of control. By 3 yrs old he was kicked out of 3 daycares and at 4 kicked out of pre-school. He would beat up my 4 yr. old and was very underdeveloped. My husband traveled for his job and would be gone 6 weeks at a time which left full responsibility of this kid on me. At 6 years old my step-son was diagnosed with ADHD and Fetal Alcohol syndrome. The last 4 years has been a major struggle in my marriage. I have told my husband that I can’t handle him anymore but he just doesn’t care. It even got to the point that I told him that he had to choose between my step-son and the rest of the family including myself and his other 2 children and he had said he would choose my step-son over the rest of us. My step-son is disrespectable, abusive, lazy and agues about everything. He is constantly fighting with our 7 yr. old and has hurt our 8 month old on several occasions. I can’t discipline my step-son because my husband is always defending him. My step-son will lie all the time and I will catch him in the lie and my husband will tell me to stay out of it. It is to the point that we are fighting on a daily basis over the things my step-son does or says. I have so much anger toward this kid because he is destroying my family and the relationship with my husband. My step-sons mother is willing to take him but my husband wont let him live there. I am to the point I think I hate the kid everytime I look at him I can feel the blood rushing. I don’t like the person I have become when he is around. What should I do HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
I want to thank everyone for their thoughts. The people that blame me I want to ask you if you are raising a step child, if not you have no clue. The people that feel sorry for the child, you must not of read my post correctly.
I have been raising this child on my own for the last 9 years. He was only 2 when he started living with me so the part where everyone said poor kid got abandond by his mother well he doesn’t even know so no that isn’t the reason why he is out of control. Next I treat my step-son like he is my own. Everything I give my other children he gets as well. The only thing I can’t give him is the bond between mother and child which he does have parents that give him that. For counceling, he does recieve it. I been bringing him to the doctor 2 times a month since he was 6 years old. What I was questioning was Is it normal to hate someone so much and why is his parent putting me through this. I know if my child wasn’t liked I would find some way to change the situation.

ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT deal, don't, like, stepson

Comments

Written by nculb about 1 year ago.

kick them both out
Written by bopdaddy about 1 year ago.

Both of you need to go to counseling or your marriage will disappear and leave all three kids with broken homes.
Written by Mo Fayed about 1 year ago.

You are loyally sticking with your husband, and should maybe have all your children taken off you and put into care. So should he. Whatever is going on, the losers are all the children in the family. Your stepson and natural kids.
Written by simplymee about 1 year ago.

He has a bad past, maybe that’s why he’s acting like that. Their past do affect them. Just talk to him, he is still a kid. And plus, you shouldn’t be saying that you don’t like him, you married your husband, and you’ll have to lean how to accept him and his son.
Written by peaches6 about 1 year ago.

See about getting your stepson counseling (which I would have sought as soon as he came to live with us). If that doesn’t help and you really can’t handle the pressure then maybe you should separate. Good Luck!
Written by sueby40 about 1 year ago.

I guess the poor boy has not been shown any love since he was a baby, and obviously you resented him from a toddler….so sadly this little chap has been treated without love or respect, and it sounds like he has never got the necessary help which he needs nor the love to help him through his life. Unfortunately most step mothers find it hard to bond with stepchildren and in this situation, this child needed extra special attention and love . It sounds like a very sad case of neglect to me from both sides in this situation. It would be better for this child to go into care than be subjected to your hate and neglect from his birth parents.
Written by keka about 1 year ago.

have u guys looked into getting therapy or something? this is something that u guys alone arent going to be able to handle.
Written by stokeoblet@sbcglobal.net about 1 year ago.

If your family is falling apart or in danger you need to get proffesional help. Its really great to have people who have seen it all help you. Don’t be too proud to seek help.
Written by ? about 1 year ago.

It doesn’t seem that you cared for him when he was “dumped” on you in the first place. I don’t see you taking any responsiblity for his behavior. You probably set him up in front of the tv for years on end, hence the devlopment of ADHD. Maybe he picked up on the fact that you never cared about him in the first place. There is not one word in your explanation mentioning any love for him at all at any time of his life. Maybe you are part of the problem.
Written by barry hebert about 1 year ago.

Before I answer this I just want to let you know that I am a step-son and whenever I go to my OTHER parents house for the summer I know my step-mom hates me.

First of all you really messed up when asking your husband he had to choose between you and his step-son. What if he hates YOUR son and said you had to choose between your son and him. Also, I doubt your stepson is doing this on purpose, besides he DOES have ADHD and Fetal Alcohol syndrome. Also, and I know this works,corporal-punishment or a good-ass-woopin, will usually calm him down. Also, consider your in his shoes, your own mother doesnt want you so she makes you live with your dad who is gone all the time and leaves you with a step-mom that doesnt love nor cares about you and you have fetal alcohol syndrome as well as ADHD! of course you are going to fight all the time, why? because you want attention and you know that the only way you will get it is because you fuss and fight all the time. And i KNOW that the only time you actually are around him communicating is when you are fussing and fighting. So give him attention for behaving well some times, and instead of arguing with him beat his ass! It may take a month or two but i garuntee this will work… I would like to know how you two are doing after a while so please email me later on.

p.s. dont hate the person, hate the sin.
Written by Invisigoth about 1 year ago.

gee, the kid was abandoned by his mom and his dad didn’t take up the time he needed to take up with him and dumped him on a virtual stranger who had no idea how to care of a child in extreme emotional distress who has come to dislike him and herself. No wonder you’re having problems!

I really do feel for you, but I also feel for the boy.

this child should have been placed in therapy a long long time ago.

Sweetie, you need professional help. The boy needed to be in therapy 8 1/2 years ago and you should be there right now to deal with the stress. IT’S THE ONLY WAY THAT WILL SAVE YOUR FAMILY AND YOURSELF. Please get the help you BOTH need.

if your husband refuses to cooperate, then he has abandoned his son yet again and he’s told you he doesn’t value you.

Please, call someone right now! make the appointments.

edit:
this child is in counseling and you’re STILL having this much trouble? Then the counselor is incompetent or the family is not following up with the behavior modifications the counselor advises.

and yes, he does know he was abandoned. he was with his mother for 2 years and then suddenly he was with someone else. Very likely he was neglected while he was with her.

and yes, it’s normal to feel frustrated and to feel hate but it’s still wrong to direct it at the child. The child is merely acting out. The longer his emotional and psychological problems are not properly dealt with the worse his behavior will get and the more dangerous he will become.

I still stand by my original assessment that your husband has been pretty hands off and this had added to his son’s torment and further feelings of abandonment. He probably feels guilty and he doesn’t know how to correct the problem.

Look for a new therapist. someone with experience in “failure to bond” or “attachment disorder” in young children. And as the boy’s behavior affects the whole family, the whole family should be in counseling.

If you’re burnt out and ready to leave over it. I can’t say I blame you. But you don’t sound like you want to lose your husband. So I say again: IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR FAMILY THEN CALL A PROFESSIONAL FOR HELP.

Good luck to you.
Written by icewitch54 about 1 year ago.

Sounds to me like you and your husband need to start being the adults and not blaming the child. Your stepson is searching for boundaries that no adult is prepared to lay down, hence he is unruly. Children who have no set boundaries push and push until they work out what the boundaries are. If no boundaries are found they tend to believe they are not loved.
Had a case of a friend……..her son with, supposed ADHD, never behaved well. When left with me, he behaved very well once I explained to him that it was ‘my house, my rules’ and that what was okay at home was not okay in my house.
Sometimes, so called adults, try to over compensate for their failures but in doing so they actually inhibit the development of the child.
Often unruly children are just crying out for knowing where the boundaries are.
This child is not destroying your family………the ones who, potentially are, is you and your husband.
You took on a man with a child. It is a package and I can not say I am surpirsed tat your husband might chose his son over you and other family.
Stop blaming the child, he is but a child, learn how to be an adult and deal with it accordingly.
Written by Alannah about 1 year ago.

okay, I have a brother who was diagnosed with AD HD and Autism. So stop acting like the victim here. I’m only 14 years old and my Autistic brother has beaten upon me and my family many times.
Talk to your husband about setting some disipline rules to help him.
Also, you can take some classes at some places about how to deal with AD HD kids.
remember, they can’t help it. Its just the way they are
Written by maccrew6 about 1 year ago.

Whatever issues this boy has , it all comes down to ONE thing… He is a danger to the other children in the home and that can not be ignored or tolerated for one second longer.. Siblings have seriously injured and even killed each other before. Yor number one job is to protect the other kids in your care.. If that means you take them and leave the step son for his father to straighten out, then so be it. Better that than have to live with the knowledge that your step son injured one of your kids. or worse. (mom of five)
Written by Mrs.Depp about 1 year ago.

Everything that you just said to describe your step son shows WHY he acts like this. 1) He was abandoned by his mother. 2) He had to adjust to life with a new family with you being in the picture.

Your step-son might just hate you too. And everyone for that matter. What this child needs in love. From his father and you. Your the mother in his life, and children are not stupid they can tell when their not wanted. While he is still young be there for him, put your ego aside and realize that HE is the CHILD and YOU are the ADULT. Once a loving relationship is developed then respect can follow. Just try to build a relationship with him. Why not take a day where just you and him go see a movie. And dont be negative. Give him a chance to see that he is really a valued member of your family. And that you WANT him in the picture. Show him that he can be a happy kid, and take time to understand that this kid is obviously messed up. You are a mom so act like one.

Remember that he’s your husbands son, what if your husband told you to choose between him and your kids? How selfish is that? They have a bond that cant be broken thats his blood. You shouldnt try and make him choose.
Written by Bridget S about 1 year ago.

If I had my mother abandon me, and live with a step mom who hated me, I’d behave the same too. The kid needs some love and some therapy, badly.
Written by tiffani F about 1 year ago.

listen I am also a step mother In the almost exact situation the mother is adrug addict and is no longer in his life only over the phone. I understand completley how you feel , cause my feelings are just as you described! The only thing I can suggest for us both is counseling, marriage and possibly some parenting step children? I dont know ?? If you find the answer let me know as well because my relationship has gone to ****!! and need help as well if not I dont see my relationship lasting much longer, the only difference between our story is Ive had this child for four years ever since he was 5 hes 9 now he first came to us like a child off of supernanny so yes I completley understand!!! Dont listen to the people that arent in your shoes and dont understand they just DONT know!!

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How do I deal with a step-son I don’t like?

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