How can I avoid my son in a nice way?

31/12/2010 admin 15 comments

I know this sounds horrible. But bear with me. He does not work for a living he is 26. He cannot hold down a job because of a life long addiction to drugs.

He has done it all, crack, cocaine, LSD, grass, alcohol etc., we have run ourselves ragged trying to help. Its been years. Been to rehab, been to therapy short term, been back to rehab. It’s been very expensive.

He always needs money because he is hungry, as he does not work. He lied to me the other day and said he needed money to renew his passport, he took it and binged. He lies ALL the time.

He is a very wonderful person underneath it all, and also has emotional issues with his dad who treated him very badly and still does. So he has become super clingy on me his mum.

He needs therapy I think?.But we have no life assurance for him (he’s an adult). I love him to death, but I don’t think my being his constant emotional strength helps him. Plus I am tired. How can I avoid him (as I feel like screaming at him to be honest). In a nice way. Help! (I am currently looking after my dad who has had a stoke so more exhausted than ever.
sorry meant medical insurance, not life assurance typo. Tried tough love did’nt help
Have him arrested? good grief no? and yes mothers do get tired of helping their kids if they are not helping themselves.
Perhaps I did not give enough info. Didn’t want to make it long. Tough love, tried for a year, he was 17 he nearly committed suicide because of it and got worse. Four rehabs, one exclusive one he did well there. We have sent him to loads of courses he wanted to do, he chucked it in. He was ADHD and we did all we could. He is constantly suicidal. I feel he is an adult, so being nice is saying “I no longer have to fight this battle with you” because I refuse to and I also refuse to get into a fight, be hurt by you, or drawn into your drama. To be nice is not to damage him further, but to get on with life without an addict. In a peaceful way. I have two beautiful daughters who are functional. I cannot imagine that I “did this” to my son, that was very cruel and small minded.

Comments

Written by rebelgolf about 1 year ago.

you might try tough love if you’ve never tried it. I would also recommend talking to the pastor or priest at your church for help. They’ve dealt with problems like this before
Written by Joshuasmitherz about 1 year ago.

Tell him that you miss being able to relax.. and tell him that by the end of the month he needs to find somewhere else to stay… he can’t linger with you all his life..
Written by Fathead about 1 year ago.

Never in my life have I seen a mother who would turn her child away just because she’s tried of helping him.

No, he’s not perfect, but neither are you.

The best thing you can do is set him up and have him arrested. And if you had any sense you would not give up on your own child.
Written by stingray about 1 year ago.

Nothing much you can do . Life’s tragedy, when people cannot deal with life.
Written by marcus about 1 year ago.

This is your fault maybe if you would have cared for him when he was younger then he wouldn’t be like this. you brought this on yourself, you can run away from your problem or try to fix it.

to- intreprid. It’s never the parent fault is it? I know for a fact the things a child needs is love, attention, education, and someone to guide and care about the choices they make in life. I’m guessing by the choices he is making now as an adult means his parents probably didn’t care much about what he did when he was a child and he probably felt like no one cared about him. You think just because he is an young adult he has no feelings? Wrong. Even if you are a adult, what happened in your child hood will effect you later in life, I know because I had parents who didn’t give a damn about me or my education and I did some pretty messed up things when I was around his age, went to jail and everything and thought about suicide many times, but I’m 38 now and my life is much better, hopefully he can change his life around too. I’m willing to bet his parents weren’t around for him like he needed them to be when he was a child, that is probably why the author didn’t include his childhood at all.
Written by qwigoqwaga about 1 year ago.

Stop giving him stuff. Tell him he needs to go and make a living for himself because he’s grown up and you’re not going to support him anymore. He knows you love him and care about him, but he’s sort of taking advantage of that. Don’t let him. You’re there to support him in life, but not by giving him whatever he claims he needs. You need to give him guidance, look into opportunities to help him improve himself and show him. If he chooses not to help himself, then that’s his choice, but he’s not allowed to come crawling back to you later.
Written by bad girl about 1 year ago.

Move to an adult, gated, residential community. The guard at the gate or door will keep him out. Join A lAnon, you need assistance with your co dependency. You know you can’t believe anything he tells you so why give him money.
Written by aceyducey about 1 year ago.

Tough love does not always work out the way you want it to. I don’t imagine you gave it a good try as you gave an addict money! Please, what did you really thing would happen knowing all you know of him? Get honest. (Avoid him in a nice way? I am barfing on that one!) Telling the truth could save his life. You know, something like, “I don’t want to be around you because you are always trying to scam money off me to buy drugs. I don’t like watching you waste your life away and asking me to help you do that. Get off the stuff, get a job, get a life.” Or similar things of that sort. Your desire to be courteous to your addict son could kill him. Your hoesty could have no effect on him but at least you would know that you were honest.
Written by intrepid about 1 year ago.

Marcus (responder) is absolutely WRONG! You are not responsible for a grown adult. Why are you concerned about being “nice”? He is not going to change, and he is taking you down with him. You need to have a stronger self-image. Value yourself and make him leave you alone.

He is responsible for his actions, you are NOT! Face the truth. Are you in denial about his getting better and getting “cured”. It is not going to happen.

You may have to get an Order of Restraint against him. Why not. Don’t let him punish you for his bad choices. Do you beat yourself up with Guilt, thinking if you had raised him differently he would be OK. Forget it!.. He is making his own choices. Let him go….
Written by richard about 1 year ago.

well sounds to me. you need to go see a lawyer. and see if you can make your self legal custody of his well being. saying he isn’t fit to take care of his self. and ones you have total Control of his rights. put him in a Metal hospital. or a dry out center. were he cant leave. because you have Control of he’s metal health. and not him. so he cant sing his self out. he has to stay there.you would be his primary health privier.will this is for his own good. as well as yours. well you need to do this soon. well good bye. and good luck.
Written by sherry about 1 year ago.

it’s too bad your son has so many problems, that is so hard on the mother, a mothers heart is always broken when their children lead lives that lead to their destruction. I would try to take care of yourself the best you can, continue to give your love and support to your son, but also lend the same care and concern to yourself, and try to take good care of yourself, you deserve it.
Written by Anonymous about 1 year ago.

Hey, this is not an easy situation, and believe it or not, I can understand where you’re coming from. Not from personal experience, I’ll admit, but I’m reading this book for school called “Unaccustomed Earth” by Jhumpa Lahiri and there’s a couple stories in there about similar situations (“Only Goodness” is the best example).

So, the really important thing you first need to do is just talk about it with him. Let him know he’s not doing anything worthwhile with his life, and ask him to consider why is it that he is suicidal and there’s so many happy, successful people. Make him realize that drugs are causing the problem, they are the reason he is where he is (nowhere). Let him know you have done your all to try to help him, but seeing as he is an adult, he must move out and learn to be independent, as so many others do in the world. You are not responsible for him anymore.

He needs to get a job to pay for himself, and needs to understand that his life is only what he wants to make of it. If he wants to be wasted and take drugs, let him. You really cannot do anything more. You’ve done a lot, tried to help him, tried to trust him, but let’s face it, he may be a great person beneath it all – but you cannot mess with the powers of drugs. They are capable of messing up a person and his or her life. You really can’t do anything else, but make him understand that there is a solution to all his problems, and there’s lots of happiness in store for him… only if he wants it for himself.

You’ve done your job as a mother. You’ve really tried everything you could to treat him and cure him, but nothing’s worked yet. Don’t be under the illusion he’ll just magically wake up one day and stop by himself. It’s been years and he’s done it all. Plus he’s suicidal, which is difficult to get out of.

I would say you should talk to him IMMEDIATELY. Go over all of this with him. In a positive way. Let him know you think he’s capable of a lot more than he’s doing right now. And tell him he can be happier and deserves more. Let him know you’ve tried your best and only want what’s best for him. Tell him you’re in no position to keep doling out your money and he needs to be independent and provide for himself now, at this age and stage in his life. Try therapy as a last resort, and let him know this is all you can do out of your money. If he’s getting better and understanding, then maybe you can try just a bit longer. But if there’s no results by the end of the month, it’s time to let go and hope for the best. That’s all you can do. The rest lies in his own, and destiny’s hands.

Good luck to you, and I REALLY hope your son gets better. His life must be pretty difficult, and he needs to understand that he can be much happier and do a lot more with his life.
Written by bopdaddy about 1 year ago.

cut the strings and tell him that he is on his own as he will never change until he comes to the point of death but even that can’t save some
Written by Chimanlal Desai about 1 year ago.

If he and you believe in God take him to priest and take his advice. That’s all.
Written by John about 1 year ago.

Mom,

You have to love your kids, you don’t have to like or love their chosen path in life.

You can control only your self. He is an adult … he has made some bad choices, and is suffering at his own hand. Tough love sucks, but you have done all you can. just say no….

If the daughters feel they can help ….. tell them to go ahead.

Mom .. you have to live with the person you see in the mirror every day, but you also have a responsibility to your self and the rest of your family.

I wish you the strength to make the best decision for “All” those you love.

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

How can I avoid my son in a nice way?

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