“Should I tempt her with some heroin?”

Seems like your sister is not the only one in your family who is sick. Addict or not, she is and always will be HER son’s first Mother. And, adoption or not, you will always be her son’s aunt.

Nice talk. The only person you are hurting is the child…..and eventually, yourself. He is also in psychological danger by having his aunt call his mother a druggie scum bag.

To answer your rant/question- Yes. If she is clean and can prove it, she can regain custody. I hope she does.

eta:
“I will not let him become an un-eduacted public schooler whose only future would be to become a janitor.”

Hilarious. I bet your addict sister can spell.

Are you for real?

Talk about trash. I hope your sister gets clean, gets her kid back, goes on to live a successful life and yours falls apart.

Nice sister. You know addiction is a genetic malfunction, maybe in a few years when your all strung out from manipulating your family members, she can tempt you with some crack.

ETA: ADDICT HERE!!!!!! BEEN CLEAN PROBABLY LONGER THAN YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE. GOT KIDS TOO.
you’re either deliberately trying to start crap on this site or you are way too self rightous to see what’s in front of you. Hmmm how do you think “your” son is going ot feel when he finds out you kicked his mother to the curb. Yup. she stole. That’s a blood breaker.

God I hope she gets clean. wish I could keep this and show it in court when you go. Judge might not like it too much.

If she is clean and can prove it, she wins. But really why would you wnat to stop that? IF SHE IS CLEAN, what’s the problem, you knew all along he wasn’t your son.

Wow. You are hitting close to home for me on a couple different levels, so I will try to keep my cool, and temper what I WANT to say to you with what I hope will eventually benefit you, your sister, and the little boy you share.

First, possessiveness will get you nowhere. The fact is, she is his biological mother, and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change that. To talk the way you are about her will be very hurtful to your son, and will eventually drive a wedge between you and he, because he will internalize your feelings about her. Even if you say nothing to him directly, he will sense it. Kids get stuff.

Secondly, children belong with biological parents, so long as those parents do not pose a threat. If she is clean and sober, you should be thrilled about that. Because if things work out the way you WANT them to (ie., your sister continuing to use, and you retaining custody of him), it will hurt him deeply knowing that she is an addict. Please don’t wish that on him. While I am not a proponent of children being sent back to instability and addiction, if she is clean, he deserves to know his mother, and yes, she may be able to regain custody. That’s the point of foster care, after all. It’s not meant to “re-distribute” children. Children should go home when they can. Surely you knew this was a possibility from the get go? If you LEGITIMATELY think she is using, contact his advocate, but it is out of your hands.

I know what it’s like to be related to addicts. I enabled my addicts for YEARS. There was a time when I was driving back and forth to sketchy neighbourhoods trying to track down my drug-addicted brother while my mother (a lifelong alcoholic) was in the hospital fighting cancer. That’s why they call it a “family disease”. When my brother went to jail, I drove to another city once a week to put money in his canteen, and went to a strange house, on his instruction, which turned out to be a crackhouse an hour out of town and fish through drug paraphenalia and filth to get the arrest warrant that was left there for him, as well as his family photos. You want to talk about money? My brother STILL owes me THOUSANDS! I’ll never see it, but it is what it is. I know you’re not enabling her, but you are still getting sucked in by this. You are personalizing her issues. You need to get some help for yourself to understand addiction in families and how to cope with it. Or contact your local chapter of Al-Anon. Something. Your nephew/son can only benefit from you understanding addiction more deeply.

I also understand wanting to protect the kids involved…My kids are being adopted from foster care. Their mother, and ultimately their entire biological family have addiction issues that are deeply embedded and span DECADES. As much pain as my kids went through in the months following their births, I understand that she is not malicious. She is addicted. And until you’ve been there, or witnessed it in someone you love, you truly cannot understand how all-encompassing it is. I feel pain for her EVERY DAY, because I GET addiction. I will protect my kids with my life, but she is, and will always be their mother. So am I, but she is entitled to human compassion, and while I don’t believe serious addicts to be effective or safe parents, I don’t think it means they should be punished or treated with such callousness. Your comment about “tempting her with heroin” was positively chilling. I hope no one ever said that about the people I love.

Just remember, “There but for the grace of God go I…” No one is ‘too good’ for addiction.

Be careful what you judge. It’s been my experience that you’ll be forced to walk a mile in any moccasins the Universe thinks you need to learn some compassion for.

Addictive disorders are a genetically-inherited malfunction of the GABA system in the human brain. GABA is, put overly simply, the brain’s off-switch. It’s not clear if the GABA malfunction is damaged receptors, overly quick reuptake, or just not enough being produced, but most neurochemists specializing in addictions agree that GABA seems to be the culprit. When not manifesting in expressed active addiction, the disease often takes the form of obsessive-compulsive disorders, eating or gambling disorders, or other types of pathologically obsessive and controlling behaviours.

In English, that means your nephew (and likely you, as well as your other primary relatives) has it too – whether it expresses as active addiction will depend on whether he’s raised by someone who understands and knows how to treat the disease.

You obviously don’t.

For the record – I am an “un-eduacted public schooler” and I am, frankly, appalled at your lack of education on a disease that is, very quickly, going to have a profound impact on your life.

If you think your sister ripped you off – hang on to your nephew and badmouth his mother to him for a few more years – push him away with your ignorance, judgement and control – raise him with a lie that he will always sense.

You will come to a far, far deeper understanding of the nature of addictive disorders after you’ve turned this child into an even sicker version of his mother due to your own ignorantly controlling and abusive behaviour.

He is not YOUR son. She is his mother, and this child is property of NEITHER of you. If she’s not able to get clean, that’s her business, and he will be hurt by it, but he will have you and your extended family there for the stability he needs when he needs it.

As he gets older, he will make up his own mind over whether his mother is a trustworthy figure in his life. If you try to make his mind up for him, I guarantee you are setting yourself up to create the perfect little addict, because you’re telling him he has no right to his own feelings. You’re already controlling him for your own gain, to meet your own needs, to wreak your own revenge.

Begin the process for shared custody/visitation, and let this little boy see his mum. Put your own feelings aside. Keep yourself safe, by all means, don’t give her the keys to your car, but if she’s joined a twelve step program, she’s got a really good shot at getting some clean time under her belt, and it’s not your place to deny her the right to love her own child.

This boy is not your property, and you have no right to write your expectations on his fragile little soul.

Lydia, with a due respect, I think you’re doing the right thing, however you must be mature about the situation.
You should want to help your sister recover, but I think you should have custody of the child!
I’m extemely anti-drugs and I believe that if anyone has become a heroin addict they shouldn’t be allowed to raise a child. I have the greatest sympathy for your sister, but you must put the child first and protect him, heroin can do long-term damage if used enough. Also if anything went wrong and she was tempted by a drug, she could result to violence on your son/nephew, or get him involved in that lifestyle.
If the child was born with withdrawal symptoms it would have instant addiction to any drug.
Ignore people’s harsh comments, but they were probably made due to the fact you wanted to give her heroin. You should tell your son the truth that your his aunt, but never keep him an inch near the child, infact I recommend a restraining order.
You are a very giving person, you and the child deserve each other, your sister’s feelings aren’t worth another child’s life.
You must stand your ground, move if you have to and file a restraining order, heroin causes severe violence and is a danger to your child, you must protect it. It would however be better if she wasn’t on drugs.
My adopted sisters mother was a heroin addict, my youngest sister was born with withdrwal symptoms and they have no communications, except the odd social services visit. The birth mother once climbed through the window, and was imprisoned several times for violence.
It is a fact that if you cannot look after yourself, that you cannot look after a child.

In answer to your question it is unlikely that they child will go back, I recommend a lawyer. Being optimistic, they will assess the options and see that you are a far more eligible parent! But if she can prove she’s off the drug it is possible!

Thankyou so much for helping your son/nephew

Good Luck!

p.s: Do none of you people understand the affect of heroin? Once you’ve had it, it has done severe damage to the brain, it doesn’t matter if she’s clean or not, the effects will always be with her. You’ve also got to see how irresponsible she was to do that to herself in the first place, while she had the child, she should have given up as soon as she found out she was pregnant; I know its difficult to give up, but some people should’nt be allowed to raise children, IM SHOCKED!
I’ve heard most of you say that it should go back to the mother. LinnyG a surprising one; I thought you’ve always said it should be about THE CHILD. I know your against adoption as an infant, but this case is critical and serious!