Alcoholic husband-Mr. Nice guy to friends, horrible to me-no one believes this. Help?

29/12/2010 admin 12 comments

My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married 6 years (second). When we met he seemed to be the nicest person and I felt lucky to meet and marry someone I thought would be so good for me.
Things seemed good in the beginning, but after a while his drinking escalated. He drank when we met, but not to excess in front of me.

In front of his friends and family he is “Mr. Nice Guy”. A “funny” drunk. Everybody loves him. He would give the shirt off his back to a stranger. However, at home, he is mean and verbally abusive when he drinks. No hitting. Only I see the “real” him. I am smart enough not to provoke him when he drinks, and even asked him one time when he was sober about getting help. He replied he does not need any help. I am at the point of leaving, and his friends and family think I am “the b-tch”. They have absolutely no idea what he does at home. He is a good actor and they don’t see the violent side that I have to live with. Is this common with alcoholics? How and why would he be good to other people, and horrible to me, the one who loved him so much and put up with his mess ?

If I told his family how he is at home, they wouldn’t believe me and think I am the crazy one! I have a teenage son and I don’t want to expose him to this any longer as it makes him just as nervous.
When the day in court finally comes, I am sure he will be just as charming to the people there and make me out to be nuts. Has anyone ever lived through this? How do you handle it? Thanks in advance.
When i told him I was tired of his going out and getting drunk every night, he asked ME what are my options! I asked him to stop the drinking, but he said he wan’t about to change. So according to him, my options are to stay and deal with it, or we split up. He won’t initiate divorce, he wants me to. I believe it is so that I will come out looking like the “bad guy”.
It’s not so much that I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy-I would like just for once for someone else to see the real him. I think it would help me to validate that I am not really the “crazy” one here.

QUESTIONS ABOUT SON'S ALCOHOLISM alcoholic, believes, friends, Help, horrible, husbandMr., meno, nice, this

Comments

Written by Yummy Mummy about 1 year ago.

Its not necessarily common with alcoholics but it IS very common in abusers and people with narcissistic personality disorder.

You should seek help from a women’s shelter.
Written by Happy Penguin about 1 year ago.

Just be honest, stick to the facts and tell your side of the story.

A lot of abusive relationships are like this – the man is the seemingly perfect husband until behind closed doors.

The court should understand the situation.
Written by I'm Alan Partridge about 1 year ago.

Set up a secret video camera and film him when he’s drinking. Then use blackmail.
Written by Kate about 1 year ago.

I understand what you’re going through…my husband is an alcoholic. Luckily, we were able to show him what his actions were doing to us, and he has been dry for over 3 years. I was fortunate that both my parents and his were supportive. The best advice I can give you is to start attending Al-Anon meetings, which is for family members of alcoholics. They can provide support and tools for dealing with him without losing yourself.

PS- have you ever read “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn?” One of the main themes is how much the main character adores her father even though every one else thinks he’s a lousy drunk. I know it’s reversed, but it’s a fantastic book!
Written by Ryde_On about 1 year ago.

Maybe his friends are nice to him ?

You might want to try it to see what happens ?
Written by kitten about 1 year ago.

Why are you staying there if you feel there’s a risk of violence towards you or your son?
If you’re absolutely sure this could never happen, then record him – hidden Nannycams were invented for more than just abusive nannies. Record him and show it to him when he’s sober and talk about getting him help. Do not attack him – make sure he understands you’re being supportive and will continue to support him and stay with him if he tries to help himself. You need to make him understand that his behaviour and bad habit is making you thinking of leaving him unless he gets help.
Otherwise, you need to decide whether you’re going to put up with his drunkenness. And then stick to your decision if you decide to leave him.
Good luck – I know it’s a difficult situation. Just count yourself lucky he hasn’t abused you or your son yet. But it may only be a matter of time. I wish you lots of strength to cope, love and light.
Written by dbraunofva about 1 year ago.

I hope you’re not staying with this guy for fear that people will think you’re a b****.

You want him to change, but you’re not doing anything to force him to change. If you never do anything different, then why would he change? But if you leave him he might–just might–realize that his life is out of control and do something about it.

I think that if you go to court over your divorce, the judge will have a lot more experience with these kinds of circumstances that your husband’s friends. I think it’s likely that he will see the situation for what it is.
Written by vis about 1 year ago.

each person is different when they drink like that, my bf is one that plays video games and drinks till he can not walk, once is a blue moon he will fight with me, me on the other hand when i am drunk i will sit in front to the computer until i can not type or walk and depending on my mood i will start the fight, mostly it is me, i will drink until i have a black out and twice i had sex and did not remember it, lucky for me both times it was with my bf, after the second time i decided to quit drinking, and i did, he has not, yes you can be two different people esp when your drunk enough to know what your doing, which could be what they are seeing, and you could be seeing what happens when he gets to drunk, after everyone is gone, and he will not change unless he wants to, since he is telling you that, it is up to you to decide if you want to leave him, don’t worry about looking like the bad guy, you have a son to worry about and you don’t want him to think this is ok, before you divorce though i would just split up for a while and see if that don’t make him come to his senses right now he may think you will not leave because this has been going on for so long,

oh i totally agree with the hidden nanny cams idea
Written by yahoo about 1 year ago.

a litle performer!
hmm

wel…………
u need proof gal./…

better record in a camera

but wot gain….

u want husb. 2 quit drinking naa

u tel..
u wanted a hus who drink in occasion
not lik dis

make him undeerstand its 4 ur famly

if flop……
u beed proof

and also de addction helps
Written by Saya about 1 year ago.

So let me get this straight.

You’d rather stay in a miserable marriage because you are too lazy to file divorce yourself and care about the opinion on others correct?

Stop being self conscious, and yes, you ARE being self conscious but you are in denial, because a non-self conscious woman doesn’t care about what people say in her divorce.
Written by Helen W. about 1 year ago.

Reading your question, I could not help but wonder why it is so important to you that people not view you as “the bad guy”. Are you really willing to live like this just to preserve the good opinion of outsiders and your husband’s family?

A bit of personal experience: I left my first husband after 15 years of marriage. Like yours, our marriage was to all outside appearances a good one. But internally, it was awful. He was cold, mechanical, emotionally unavailable, and controlling. I went to counseling with him for nearly 5 years in an attempt to make it work, but in the end I came to realize that there was just no way the marriage was ever going to work. I thought that when I left him, I would be viewed as “the bad guy” and that everyone would “take his side” and think I was crazy for leaving “such a great guy.” I was willing to have that happen, though, because I was absolutely miserable. There is nothing like abject misery to convince a person that the opinions of others aren’t all that important. Well, when I left, it was true that there were SOME people who thought I was crazy and even a few who outright shunned me. But many people–sometimes those I least expected, and even some members of his family–knew perfectly well why I left him, even asking me what took so long.

Not trying to tell you what to do, but I do suggest you think long and hard about what it most important to you: the opinion of others, or your own sanity.
Written by Chris about 1 year ago.

Please check out this website http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
There is help here. Free course on drunkness/alcoholism (New Wine)

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you Free”
(John 8:32)

God bless.

How Do I Get My Son Off Drugs?

Alcoholic husband-Mr. Nice guy to friends, horrible to me-no one believes this. Help?

Comments

Recent Posts

Categories

Tags