so me and my husband have been married for almost two years. when I met him he had a drinking problem. when I got married and got pregnant things only got worse. long nights of sitting up when he wouldn’t come home since he was out at bars with his friends, money missing, coming home from work to a passed out husband, it has been a long road. last summer we had split up after he had left to supposively go to iowa where his mother is to look for work and got incacerated after 2 days of being there for public intox. at that time I had made up my mind and told myself i was done! well six months went by and he started doing good. i talked to him everyday and he got a job and started sending money and i let him come back home. since january he hasn’t drank but I could never give hima fresh start and always brought up the past. his dad who is an alcoholic is on person though I never trusted him around becuase he just was a bad influence on him and I knew what would happen. well off of a sudden he started sneaking around my back and started talking to him and having him meet him up at his work. I would get mad and we’d fight, so bad that I’d even come up to his work starting things. I just never trusted him and couldn’t let the past go. well come to find out my husband started talking to another girl and I’d hear accusations that he was wanting to leave me, that he just couldn’t take the fighting anymore. I just had a hard time, to me I felt I gave you all this time to straighten up and over the years I took so much emotional abuse that my mind was so messed up and I just couldn’t trust him, where was my time?? well my mom and dad start hearing the accusations and I begin to hear more and more that he just wasn’t in to me and didn’t want to be with me so we split up. 2 months has went by and he is now begging me to give him another chance and to try to work things out if I can give him that fresh start but I just don’t know what to say? all these accusations that were made, my parents hate him! how could it ever work,could they ever forgive him?? we are getting divorced no matter what, but what can I say to him. he calls me crying everyday, he sends money to help support our daughter, he isn’t drinking, nor is he trying to see anyone else right now. I also don’t know what was true, al these accusations of things he supposively said and did, I feel like how could he do this after so much I went through with him and tried to be there and stay with him. I just don’t know, so far all I told him is that right now we should be friends. since we spilt up I had to move back in with my parents and if they even had a clue I was talking to him they would probably disown me as their daughter and want us out! I can’t jeopardize a roof over my head right now nor my relationship with them… I’m just so confused and son’t know where to go from here????
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Written by Messykatt about 1 year ago.
It’s totally untrue that alcoholics don’t change, but since you’ve already taken that first hard step in distancing yourself, don’t even think right now of going back with him. If he hasn’t been to a rehab or isn’t participating in a 12 step support group, it’s almost impossible for him to quit on his own. It sounds like he’s between a rock and a hard place, and letting him live with you and your parents is a fast ticket to disaster. You’re smart to see that.
If you really mean what you say that you’re getting divorced no matter what, it’s important that this happen asap, and there’s no reason to remain friends for now. I’d tell him (or write a long email) that his actions have destroyed any relationship the 2 of you have and there isn’t even a possibility of friendship until he gets his act together. And make it clear his words won’t prove that – he needs to prove stability and sobriety. This happens over time. Wish him luck and then cease all communication.
If he does straighten out, you’d want your child to know its father, but promises are a drinking alcoholic’s best friend. They are completely meaningless. For now (and as long as it takes, which may be forever) just protect your child and your relationship with your parents. You’ve made it clear you want no contact, so if he gets persistent, file a restraining order. You want to leave the door open in case he truly does stop drinking and change, but this is way down the road and you’ll know it by his actions – good job stability, better friends, outside hobbies and interests, etc.
The hell of alcoholism is that some people, when the consequences of their drinking add up, do get the help they need and become great people. The problem is that many don’t, and anyone still remotely involved with them gets caught up in co-dependent behaviors. It’s also disastrous for a child. For this reason, I’d strongly recommend you go to Alanon. It’s a gift to you, because you’ll meet all sorts of people in the same boat, and learn the do’s and don’t. Most important you’ll find people to talk to about this, because regardless of what happens, your parents aren’t the ideal ones to hear it all, as I believe you are discovering
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